Escape From Epstein Island: Intro Cutscene

Yes, this will eventually be filmed. 

SCENE: The Daily Rake’s lavish news studio, currently consisting of a chair and a man behind it. Kind of like “Between Two Ferns,” if you ever watched that. We don’t really have the budget for much else. Dr. Shekelstein is currently shuffling papers around on his desk. Camera is zoomed in on him.

The Notorious Dr. Shekelstein: And that’s when he said “some women do have penises.”

*Tasteful laughter ripples through the audience, which is our case is a sticom style laugh track.*

Shekelstein: Let me now introduce you to our very special guest tonight. This young woman managed to escape from Epstein Island, and live to tell the tale. Put your hands together for Fallujah.

*Uproarious applause. Camera pans over to show Fallulah sitting in a chair on the other end of the desk.*

Shekelstein: Fallujah , thank you for joining us.

Fallujah McJones: Thanks for having me, Shekelstein.

Shekelstein: So, if I’m understanding this correctly, you got kidnapped by the Epsteins and then –

Fallujah: No, my boyfriend got kidnapped by them.

Shekelstein: Your boyfriend? I didn’t know that Israel used male sex slaves in their blackmail rings.

Fallujah: They need to get dirt on conservatives as well.

Shekelstein: Oh right, of course.

Fallujah: I suffered through nearly a hundred floors of degeneracy to save my sweet prince and bring him back again. I had to fight adult baby diaper fetishists, militarized police, reddit admins.

Shekelstein: Reddit Admins?

Fallulah: Ancient golems that protected the globalists for generations. BLMers getting their marching orders. Spellcasters. IDF snipers. Mecha George Soros. Mecha Jonathan Greenblatt.

Shekelstein: I think for trademark purposes you mean Mecah George Poros and Mecha Jonathan Heeblatt. Anyway, can we back up a second and start this story at the beginning?

Fallulah: How far back.

Shekelstein: Let’s start with your boyfriend. Where did the two of you meet?

Fallulah: My boyfriend and I met in an xbox live chat room. We initially bonded over our shared love of screaming racial slurs at our own teammates in the post game lobby.

Shekelstein: Couples that slur together, stay together.

Fallulah: But we weren’t a couple yet, and we both got banned on the same day. I didn’t have his contact information, so I didn’t know what to do. However, I searched up his handle on various platforms until I found a match on Poast.

Shekelstein: If you don’t mind me asking, what were your respective gamertags?

Fallulah: His was RickFontaine93 and mine was FallulahTheAryanBioWeapon1488.

Shekelstein: Screw your optics, username edition. 

Fallulah: After I slid into his DMs he was initially confused, since he’d assumed I was a ten year old boy.

Shekelstein: I think we’ve all been there. You’re hearing a high pitched voice screaming racial slurs over the mic and you’re thinking “is this an annoying kid, or the future mother of my children?”

Fallulah: Rick and I hit it off immediately. We lived in different provinces, so we couldn’t see each other, but we made sure to spend time together playing team games where we constantly screamed racial slurs at our teammates. Occasionally we would harass random Jews on social media.

Shekelstein: Always nice to see young love. 

Fallulah: In a sense we were dating, but we didn’t know how to take it to the next step.

Shekelstein: I think I understand. There is a certain equilibrium that forms in these kinds of relationships. Both of you enjoy each others company, and you’re afraid that taking things to the next level will ruin your friendship.

Fallulah: Exactly, but eventually he worked up the courage to ask for my phone number. From then on the afternoon DMs turned into evening texts, which turned into late night calls. Late night calls turned into phone sex. 

Shekelstein: Sorry what?

Fallulah: After a few months we decided to move in together. I got a job at the local grocery store, as he continued studying, pursuing his dream of becoming a lawyer for White advocates, and also the occasional Palestinian. I’d never been happier. Until… until…

*Fallulah fights back tears.*

Shekelstein: I understand that this is hard for you. 

Fallulah: One day I wake up and Ricky was gone. Gone, Dr. Shekelstein.

*Shekelstein reaches acrosses the counter to comfort her.*

Shekelstein: Take your time.

*Fallulah sniffles once, before composing herself.* 

Fallulah: Stolen right from our bed. I woke up to his side of the bed empty, save for a slimy residue that smelt like brimstone and gelfilte fish.

Shekelstein: How ever did you track them down?

Fallulah: I had an in with a few autists on the internet who specialize in that sort of thing. They pieced the puzzle together pretty quickly. It helped that they ransacked my wardrobe, and witnesses saw two men wearing lingerie carrying a bundle down the street while saying “we’re the real victims here.”

Shekelstein: So the Mossad, or perhaps elite unites from the IDF.

Fallulah: Indeed. And it was obvious where they were taking him, especially because he’s such a Chad.

Shekelstein: Epstein’s Island.

Fallulah: Where else would an international clique of zionist blackmailers stash my Chad boyfriend?

Shekelstein: Indeed.

Fallulah: Getting onto the Island was no easy feat. After all, there’s only one airliner that flies that route.

Shekelstein: The Lolita Express.

Fallulah: I didn’t have time to come up with the perfect plan, but I managed to stash myself in the landing gear hub. I nearly froze to death on the trip over, but I lived. It was dusk when we landed, and there were few artificial lights on the tarmac.

Shekelstein: Don’t want any unwanted observers seeing what happens on Mossad Island.

Fallulah: I managed to escape unseen into a side bush. Although it was dark, I could make out a weird square shaped building in the distance. They were leading the newest batch of sexual blackmail slaves there.

Shekelstein: Your boyfriend was among them?

Fallulah: Not that batch, but I assumed, correctly as it turned out, he was being stashed in the same building. I grabbed my crowbar in one hand, my gun in the other and –

Shekelstein: Wait, you have a gun? Where’d you get the gun? Where’d you get the crowbar?

Fallulah: I found the crowbar in the aircraft landing gear compartment. Then I stuck a can of pepper spray on the end to make it hurt more. 

Shekelstein: Okay, that makes sense.

Fallulah: I made the gun on the way over by modifying a hairdryer that I had in my purse. 

Shekelstein: You had a hairdryer in your purse? I didn’t know women just carried hairdryers around.

Fallulah: I absentmindedly stashed it in there in the morning. I was so distraught at finding Ricky missing that I accidentally threw my hairdryer in there after showering. 

Shekelstein: Glad that worked out for you.

Fallulah: Thank you Dr. It took me a long time to work up the courage to even go up to the door, let alone open it.

Shekelstein: Hold on, you still didn’t tell me how you turned a hairdryer into a gun? 

Fallulah: I overclocked the CPU, which created the plasma pinch effect throughout the conductor coil. The end result was basically kind of like the plasma rifle from Halo.

Shekelstein: You’re telling me that you turned your hairdryer into the Halo plasma rifle by overclocking the CPU?

Fallulah: Yes.

Shekelstein: I didn’t think it was possible for a woman to be so ingenuous. 

Fallulah: Well, it happened.

Shekelstein: Pardon my interruption, Fallulah. Please continue your story.

Fallulah: There I was at the door, plasma rifle and crowbar in my hand. Oh, I also made a bunch of automatically replenishing holy water grenades.

Shekelstein: We can explain those later. Tell us how you got inside.

Fallulah: I pushed open the door – 

Shekelstein: It was unlocked? You’d think they’d have tighter security. 

Fallulah: That would have ruined the party atmosphere. 

Shekelstein: Right.

Fallulah: Actually, the security was pretty lax on the very top level. 

Shekelstein: A stroke of good luck, easing you into the experience. 

Fallulah: A tutorial, you could say.

Shekelstein: Indeed. Now, Fallulah –

*Camera zooms in on Shekelstein’s face as he continues to speak*

Could you focus, and try to describe exactly what happened when you opened that door?

SCENE END

After this the level loads.