Den of Geek:

While quite a lot of news came out of the recent D&D Summit, the idea that the tabletop role-playing game is entirely getting rid of half-races and half-species due to concerns over racism has quickly garnered a lot of attention. Try to be surprised, but it turns out that many aspects of this situation are being misconstrued by those who are either working with the wrong information or have simply chosen a certain interpretation of the right information.

This is absolutely correct. Our sources inside Wizards of the Coast, the owners of D&D, have informed us that the good fashy Goys have taken over the IP, and are holocausting the half-breeds. One insider was quoted by our beloved on the scene reporter, Esther Noseblatt.

Wizards of the Coast is committed to providing a solid gaming experience for The White Race, and no one else. If the inferior brown masses want to game, they can buy our product, but any and all promotion of miscegenation is sickening, and has no place in our product.” 

“What’s up with all these freakshows adventuring together anyway? It’s like every party is the goddamn Burger King Kid’s Club up in here. From now on we’re adding in penalties to any party that isn’t pure humans. Get the fuck out of here with these weird half-orc goblinos. Press G to gas that little abomination.

“And our next written adventure is you ridding the world of an evil dark elf named Schlomo whose goal is to mix all the magical races together into a sea of brown filth. It’s like Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion, but fantasy.”

Based, redpilled, and very much in the spirit of Tolkein.

While there are other half-races in parts of D&D lore (it’s a big universe), the Half-Elf and Half-Orc are notable for being specifically outlined during the character creation process in many versions of the game. They even had their own race sheets that explained their unique attributes. That’s one of the big things that will be changing moving forward (at least in some versions of the game).

Elves are a beautiful race of White-substitutes. Their race specific benefits are love of nature, magical powers, high intelligence, and skills with machinery. 

In contrast, Orcs have the magical ability to enjoy gangsta rap and be retarded. That the old D&D allowed the noble blood of the elves to be polluted by the orcs is sickening. The cheeto-encrusted hands of skinny-fat nerds creating these abominations on the character sheet was the most horrifying conjuration spell in the D&D extended universe. Luckily, this crime against nature is finally being rectified in the sixth edition rulebook. 

So why is this change causing such a stir now? Well, this reignited debate seems to stem from this comment on the change that was recently made by D&D Rules Designer Jeremy Crawford:

“Frankly, we are not comfortable, and haven’t been for years with any of the options that start with ‘half’…The half construction is inherently racist so we simply aren’t going to include it in the new Player’s Handbook.”

Crawford was also quoted as saying the following.

“Orcs are 13 percent of the magical kingdom, yet commit over half of all the murders. And if you’re wondering why there are these Orcs shoved everywhere all over the world, you can look to the Goblins, which are now a playable race.

The race-specific benefits of these hook nosed merchants are being good with money, getting bonuses to bribing politicians, and a sort of sleazy low cunning that manifests itself in charisma bonuses to any non-Goblin that has not taken the Redpilled character trait, or who has a Wisdom of less than 18.”

I’m impressed that Wizards of the Coast is taking this necessary step forward. For too long the wizarding world has been treated to Harry Potter style shitlibbery, where the man trying to save the purity of the wizard race, Voldemort, gets portrayed as the villain who hates muggles for no reason. Where disgusting perversions of the flesh get called “halfies” and are allowed to strut around the once holy land of the elves. Where Goblins have yet to be hooked up to masturbation machines and gassed to death with mildly toxic insecticide.

But we’re finally getting that Warhammer 40k/D&D crossover that we’ve all been waiting for. Gas the half-breeds, muggle genocide now. I for one, may have to play a few rounds of D&D with some friends in celebration.

You may also like


  1. Maybe it’s me, but I’ve noticed a trend in tabletop roleplaying that I really don’t like – the sycophantic yielding to what the books say. Back when I dabbled in tabletop with friends (which was over two decades ago, nearly three), we put an emphasis on guide on guidebook. What we didn’t like, we ignored, and what we thought was missing we created from whole cloth. I vividly remember helping one of my DM friends create a time travel story for the Warhammer fantasy game he was running (which was just a flimsy excuse to run a fantasy game with cyborgs, lasers and aliens). We’d also spend hours browsing archives of fan created content, simply dragging and dropping in things we liked. Another friend of mine thought that AD&D wasn’t quite advanced enough for his liking, and created his own convoluted rule system (which turned out to be an unwieldy, autistic mess, but what else would you expect from a 15 year old?).

    I get the impression that tabletop players now are sorely lacking in imagination and daring. Is it just me?

  2. Finally, a fantasy eugenics game! Hopefully a warmup for the real thang!

Leave a reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *