As many Canadians are aware, it was claimed or at least insinuated by too many propaganda outlets to count that there was some vague plan to murder all the residential school children here in Canada. In fact, that these schools themselves were, again vaguely, nothing more than genocide factories. While such claims seemed on the surface ridiculous, our investigative journalism done here at HyphenReport has uncovered something truly chilling.

An MP3 file on a USB stick was dropped into our mailbox with the phrase “Secrets the Vatican doesn’t want you to know,” written on the outside. While HyphenReport was initially skeptical, this appears to contain a recording of two very high ranking Catholic Church members plotting the mass murder of hundreds of thousands of Abo Children through these Residential Schools.


SCENE: A dimly lit smoke filled room where Canada’s Archbishop Murray, PM John A. MacDonald, Sister Bertha, and some random priest named Jim are conspiring.

PM John A. MacDonald: We’ve received our orders from the Pope gentlemen, you know what we have to do.

Archbishop Murray: Yes that’s right, an awful task, but orders are orders.

Priest Jim: I’m sorry, what are we trying to do again?

MacDonald: Murder all the abo children Jim.

Jim: Oh my god. Are we sure?

MacDonald: Yeah I mean they couldn’t send any telegrams or documents or have any evidence for this, but I think we can just step over that and assume they want us to murder all these future alcoholics once and for all.

Archbishop Murray: I mean the pope even said “all of god’s children deserve the light,” which is a thinly veiled message that means “murder these fucking abos please oh my god why do I have to spell everything out for you.”

Jim: I’m not really sure I would have got that one, is there any other way we can interpret what he said?

Murray: It’s pretty clear to all of us.

Sister Bertha: Ironclad interpretation.

MacDonald: It’s settled, the only question is how we do this.

Priest Jim: I can’t believe we’re talking about murdering all these children.

MacDonald: Yes Jim, it can be hard to plan the genocide of millions of people, but this is all very important. How are we to murder all the abo children?

Sister Bertha: We could wack them with rulers until they bleed to death from internal bleeding.

Archbishop Murray: I may or may not know a few pedophiles.

MacDonald: Murray that’s disturbing to know and I don’t know how that applies here. Bertha, we’ve got to think bigger. Mass murder through ruler whacking is just not going to cut it.

Priest Jim: I mean I guess we could just send in the military to murder them. Why are we only killing the children again, like was there some reason?

Archbishop Murray: Well I mean it’d be a bit mean to kill the adults Jim, and besides, sending in the military seems a little bit conspicuous. How are we supposed to hide that?

MacDonald: Murray is right. I have a plan for how we can murder all the children. We’re going to build schools for them and teach them how to read and write.

Murray: Absolutely.

Bertha: Yes, that’s how you do a genocide.

Jim: Did I miss the part where we kill the children?

MacDonald: Well you see Jim it’s really quite simple. We simply build them schools at our own expense, give them food, water, shelter, and whatever medical treatment we can in the current year. And then we keep teaching them for years and years until they eventually graduate.

Pictured: The cheaper, more efficient option.

Murray: Yes, it’s the only way.

Jim: I still feel like I missed the part where we kill the children.

MacDonald: You know that’s actually a great point, Sister Bertha do you have any thoughts on that matter?

Sister Bertha: Have we ruled out whacking them with rulers until they die?

Archbishop Murray: I think that’s a yes, sister.

Sister Bertha: Well what if we just sort of, created the general conditions that lead to the occasional outbreak of tuberculosis?

MacDonald: Bertha you’re a genius.

Jim: Isn’t that incredibly inefficient? Also, isn’t that a great way of having the people working at these schools also get horrible life ending illnesses?

Sister Bertha: That is a risk I am willing to take.

Archbishop Murray: God is with you, sister.

MacDonald: Your sacrifice will not be in vain.

Jim: I mean if we just stopped feeding the children they would all die at zero risk of us getting tuberculosis ourselves and dying.

Bertha: No, that’s not going to work.

Murray: Impractical, and frankly kind of evil.

Jim: Evil, you’re the ones who decided that you needed to murder all the children!

MacDonald: Jim, you just don’t get it do you? The way you commit a genocide is by teaching children how to read and write and do basic math and then never ever killing them.

Priest Jim: I mean I don’t have any prior experience in this subject-

Murray: Oh wow, THERE’s a surprise.

Jim: But I’m pretty sure that my plan of sending in the military and not building these people schools for no reason is cheaper and more effective.

Bertha: No Jim, we just don’t have the money for that.

Jim: We don’t have the money to send in the military we already pay for to murder people with bullets and bayonets?

MacDonald: We’re not made of money here Jim.

Jim: But we do have the money to build schools and then pay for these children’s room, board, and schooling for like 10 years.

MacDonald: Look it’s simply the cheaper, more efficient, and ultimately more humane option.

Jim: I mean I feel like somehow it isn’t any of those things. Except maybe humane because we never actually kill anyone.

MacDonald: Well you see Jim, we’re not really going for like a genocide genocide.

Murray: That’s right, Jim.

MacDonald: This is more like a “cultural genocide.”

Jim: I have no idea what a cultural genocide is.

Bertha: It’s when you take children from acoholic, abusive parents and teach them how to read, write, and do basic math all at your own expense.

Murray: But you have to treat them well and never kill them.

Bertha: Yes, not killing children, and instead giving them education is the basis for cultural genocide.

Murray: Oh and you also have to make sure that their death rate from illnesses is lower than it is in the communities they come from.

Bertha: Murray’s right. I forgot that you need to essentially kill negative people by saving them from illnesses in order to perpetuate a cultural genocide.

Jim: I’m still not really sure I understand this whole “cultural genocide thing.”

MacDonald: Well I’ll tell you what it most certainly is not. Imagine someone created a slander that there was some secret genocide going on perpetuated by the Church/CanadianGovernment/WhitePeople, and used this slander to burn churches down, cancel Canada day, tear down White Statues, and steal $3 billion dollars from Canadian taxpayers. That would definitely NOT be a cultural genocide.

Pictured: Not Cultural Genocide

Jim: Oh I mean if the term is valid at all that would certainly sound like it applies.

MacDonald: No Jim, cultural genocide is teaching children how to read, not tearing down statues, burning down churches, and cancelling cultural holidays.

Pictured: Not Cultural Genocide

Bertha: Yes, that’s correct.

Murray: Agreed.

Pictured: Not Cultural Genocide

Jim: Alright, well let’s get these schools built, I can’t wait to genocide all these abo children by teaching them how to do arithmetic.

MacDonald: We knew we could count on you Jim.


Truly horrifying beyond all words. That this was done here in Canada is a dark stain on our legacy. Churches burning, I mean LOL who cares, but this very real plan to genocide all the children by teaching them math. I mean it’s simply to evil to fathom.

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