The Most Evil Conversation Ever Recorded

Stanford News:

Nearly 75 years ago, the Nuremberg Trial came to a close when on Oct. 1, 1946, a group of convicted Nazi leaders was sentenced by the International Military Tribunal (IMT) for crimes against peace, war crimes and crimes against humanity committed during World War II and the Holocaust.
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For the past seven years, Stanford Libraries has been working with the Registry of the International Court of Justice (ICJ) in The Hague to obtain a complete digital corpus of the Nuremberg Trial in support of the Virtual Tribunal of the Stanford Center for Human Rights and International Justice.

Building a digital space for the archives is part of Cohen’s and the Libraries’ larger vision to create a comprehensive database, known as the Virtual Tribunals Initiative, of all international criminal proceedings that deal with mass atrocities, starting from post-WWII court proceedings to contemporary cases like the Special Panels for Serious Crimes in East Timor (SPSC) or similar international criminal tribunals for Rwanda, Sierra Leone or the former Yugoslavia.

Our investigative journalists here at the Daily Rake have uncovered shocking revelations. The Liberal Media That’s Too Mean To Israel has intentionally hidden some crucial information proving the Lampshadocaust. With the release of the Nuremberg Trial Records from Stanford University, our team has managed to find a real life conversation between multiple natzees as they plan what many consider the world’s most evil act. Below is a transcript that we have created from these leaked recordings.

Nazi 1, Hans: Eric, we’ve just received orders from our fuhrer.

Nazi 2, Eric: Oh really, what are our orders?

Hans: We need to murder every single jew in the entire world.

Eric: The documents said that?

Hans: Yes but they cleverly disguised this.

Eric: Disguised how?

Hans: Well they said things like “you need to make sure that when you’re filling out TPS reports that you hand these directly to your superiors.” Then later they go into excruciating detail for logistics and troop movements.

Eric: Oh my god, they want us to exterminate these jews by hooking them up to masturbation machines.

Hans: That’s what I initially thought, but now I think it means “put them on rollercoasters that go directly into ovens.”

Eric: A very valid interpretation.

Nazi 3, Tobias: Hold on, aren’t we getting a little ahead of ourselves. Why would filling out TPS reports be codeword for murdering jews and turning them into lampshades.

Hans: Tobias, you just don’t get it do you?

Eric: No he really doesn’t Hans, just ignore him.

Tobias: I mean I’m just saying that I don’t think-

Hans: And we’re just saying shush Tobias.

Eric: Look it’s not up for debate. “Fill out these TPS reports,” is codeword for “murder all these heebs and turn them into bars of soap.”

Hans: That’s right, the only question remaining is what the best, most efficient way to achieve this would be.

Tobias: Is there something wrong with just shooting them all in the head?

Ben the Ghey Nazi with a Lisp: Jesus Tobias, that’s awful.

Eric: Totally uncalled for.

Tobias: I’m a little confused here, that seems like the fastest way to kill lots of people.

Ben the Ghey Nazi: Would YOU like being shot in the head Tobias? Huh, would you?

Tobias: No but luckily we’re not the ones being murdered here.

Hans: Tobias do you have any idea how expensive bullets are? We’re going to need millions of these bullets. Six million, to be precise.

Eric: As the prophecy foretold.

Hans: And where do you think we’re gonna get the budget for that hmmmm?

Tobias: Hold on, can I see that document you received?

Hans: Oh I didn’t receive any document, this needs to be done completely secretly.

Tobias: You didn’t receive any document.

Hans: No, I didn’t Tobias, that would have made this a not secret genocide now wouldn’t it?

Eric: Idiot.

Ben the Ghey Nazi: Idiot.

Hans: I received these orders telepathically from Adolf Hitler himself.

Tobias: I’m sorry what?

Hans: You heard me and they said to murder all the Schlomos and turn them into household items such as lampshades and bars of soap. Maybe, as a stretch goal, turn turn their bones into a IKEA do it yourself furniture sets.

Tobias: And let me guess, these orders needed to be sent telepathically because then this wouldn’t be a secret genocide.

Eric: He’s a slow learner, but eventually he gets there.

Tobias: Okay even accepting that I still don’t see how the cheapest, easiest way isn’t to simply shoot them in the head and then throw them in a pit. We can even skip the pit part if that’s too hard.

Ben the Ghey Nazi with a Lisp who’s also in charge of finance: No Toby, we just don’t have the funds for that.

Hans: He’s right. We need a different plan.

Tobias: I mean I guess maybe we could strangle them to death and save the bullets?

Eric: Not going to work Toby.

Tobias: What about sending them to prison and then just not feeding them?

Hans: What are we MADE of money?

Eric: I have a better idea. How about, we first capture all these jews, then build camps for them to stay in, then we, at our own expense, send them all off to these camps.

Hans: I love it.

Ben: Genius.

Tobias: I’m sorry, did I miss the part where we actually kill the jews?

Hans: Jesus Tobias, we’ll have plenty of opportunities to kill the jews when they’re at summer camp we’ve built at our own expense.

Tobias: Yeah and I mean also when we’re capturing them in the first place and loading them onto trains. Are trains rides free now BTW?

Ben: What does that have to do with anything?

Tobias: I mean it’s just sort of weird that we’ve got the budget for train rides, presumably with onboard food provided by us, but not the money for bullets in the middle of WW2.

Hans: Tobias, Eric’s plan is brilliant, all that’s needed is a method of execution.

Eric: Right, about that-

Hans: Oh I forgot to mention but the telepathically sent document also demanded that we sterilize the jews kind of.

Tobias: Wait, so we’re sterilizing them, but also killing them?

Hans: That’s right.

Tobias: Won’t they be unable to breed when they’re dead.

Hans: Orders are orders Tobias, that’s why I’m a major and you’re a private.

Tobias: I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that we’re not sterilizing them chemically or through physical castration.

Hans: And you’d be correct, does anyone here have a plan?

Eric: How about we train German Shepards to bite their little jew penises off?

Ben: The finances work for that, we already have the dogs.

Hans: Wow, problem solved. You guys are brilliant.

Tobias: So this is our plan for mass sterilization. Train German Shepards to bite jew penises off, not chemicals or the knife?

Hans: Correct.

Tobias: Despite the fact that we’re just going to be killing these jews anyway, thus making the castration pointless and redundant.

Hans: Nice to see that we’re all on the same page. Now about the executions, I think there are a few different ways we can go about this, and I’d like to hear from all of you.

Tobias: So is this the point where we starve them all to death?

Ben: We just don’t have the money to do that.

Tobias: We don’t have the money to literally do nothing? How about giving them dirty drinking water, or no drinking water?

Hans: Not only do we not have the money for that, that doesn’t sound very secret now does it Tobias?

Tobias: I mean it totally does, but maybe we can get them sick, and then just deny them healthcare so they all die of Tuberculosis or something like that?

Hans: No, instead of that we’re going to give them state of the art medicine to prevent any deaths from illnesses.

Tobias: What if we just don’t give them any shelter to live in, so they die of exposure in wintertime?

Eric: That’s just not going to work Toby.

Hans: Eric’s right, we need to give these people three meals a day, clean water, a roof over their heads, and medical care, all to prevent them from dying.

Ben: Toby, have you ever been hungry before? It really sucks. Like, I’m sorry I had to be the one to say this, but you’re just fundamentally a bad person for wanting to do that.

Eric: Imagine the hungriest you’ve ever been and then multiply that by like, ten times over.

Ben: Does that sound humane to you Toby?

Tobias: I mean-

Ben: Does it Toby?

Tobias: Are we killing these people or-

Hans: Oh and let’s not even get into how much it sucks to be thirsty, or stuck out in the cold.

Ben: It’s awful. I hate it.

Eric: Imagine being so cold that you literally freeze to death.

Ben: I don’t even know why we’re friends with this psychopath, trying to starve these poor George Soros types to death.

Eric: And freeze them.

Ben: Yeah, freeze those poor unfortunate judenrats to death in the cold.

Eric: Sickening stuff from Tobias per usual.

Ben: Per usual.

Hans: Does anyone else have any suggestions for how we murder all these Heebs? Remember goyim, this needs to be so secret that there’s literally no evidence that it happened.

Ben the Ghey Nazi with a Lisp: Well I have a friend who works as a lumberjack. So I was thinking maybe we make the jews all climb up tall trees.

Hans: Right.

Ben: And then the Sexy Aryan Lumberjacks come out and chop the trees down, so the jews are all gonna be like “oh my god I’m a jew and I’m falling,” before they hit the ground and die.

Tobias: Okay I have a few questions. First of all what if they just don’t climb the tree, because they can’t or don’t want to. Secondly, most people, especially the ones who can climb trees are probably going to survive a fall from 30 feet even, so they need to climb up like 50 feet of tree before they’re high enough to fall to their deaths. Finally, that seems like a really long time expenditure just to kill a single jew.

Eric: Well then why don’t we just make packs of jews climbs trees all at once.

Hans: Perfect, that way we cut down one tree, and kill 20 jews.

Tobias: Okay but the types of trees that are easy to climb are short. The tall Douglas Fir types don’t even have branches for like the first 150 feet sometimes and they’re 10 feet wide. You need special equipment to climb it. Is every single jew in the world secretly a world class arborealist? How the fuck are we gonna get some 95 year old Heeb granny up in the tree so she can fall to her death?

Hans: You know, we’re sort of more like ideas guys. That sounds like a tricky engineering implementation detail.

Eric: And besides, this is Germany Toby, we have the worlds greatest engineers anyway.

Ben: And we already have the axes, the finances are great.

Tobias: Okay, but how about, and hear me out here, we, instead of chopping a tree down with an axe, we just hit the jews in the head with the axes.

Ben: That is truly horrifying.

Eric: I think I’m going to throw up.

Hans: Tobias I think we’re gonna need a little timeout on your “help” here.

Eric: He’s just so negative and mean.

Hans: Agreed, now lets spitball some other ideas for killing these Schlomos.

Eric: We could have some bicycle powered brain bashing machines.

Hans: Yep, I like it, Ben did you have something?

Ben: We could force jews to climb tall trees, then caw like roosters until they freeze to death in winter, and then fall out of the trees shattering into millions of little jew pieces.

Tobias: How the fuck is that different from just freezing them to death on the ground?

Ben: It’s different Toby, it has pizazz.

Tobias: And didn’t we already rule out the whole “making the death row inmates climb tall trees,” bit?

Hans: Tobias quiet. Eric you wanted to say something?

Eric: I was thinking maybe we could shove the jews into a room with an electrified floor. Then the jews all get electrified into crispy jew ash, then the floors retract.

Hans: Uh huh.

Eric: And the jew ash falls down into waiting underground dump trucks, which take secret underground tunnels to secret landfills where we deposit all the jew ash.

Hans: Yes, that definitely sound like something that we can pull off secretly for minimal cost that won’t leave behind any evidence.

Ben: What if we put them on rollercoasters that go directly into ovens?

Hans: I love it. You know there are two people here who have great ideas. One not so much.

Eric: We could give the jews a shotgun with a rubber barrel. Then we make them put the gun into a premade hole in the wall, so the barrel bends back and points at the Harvey Weinstein Lookalike’s face. Then the jew pulls the trigger and blows his own head off.

Tobias: Yeah I think it’s a great idea to give the people we’re murdering loaded shotguns.

Hans: Tobias, your negativity is becoming a serious impediment to your future at this nazi party.

Ben: What if we got 100 jews in a line, then buried the first jew up into his neck in sand. Then the other 99 jews have to take turns shitting all over his jew face until it suffocates in the jew shit. Then we put the next Schlomo in line up to his neck in the sand.

Tobias: How do we kill the last jew in line?

Ben: Well I guess he lives until the next time. But all the other ones die.

Tobias: Wait so the last jew in the line has to shit all over the other 99 jews faces.

Ben: That’s right.

Tobias: So he has to take 99 shits in a single afternoon?

Ben: I suppose so.

Tobias: And not just 99 shits. 99 shits, where he’s shitting enough to suffocate a man. We’re talking dinosaur level loads from an individual.

Hans: Tobias you’re being willfully stupid here. This is a very plausible plan of action.

Eric: We just give him a little bit of Ex-Lax and some coffee and I’m sure he will do great.

Tobias: A little Ex-Lax and he’ll take 99 shits in a single afternoon?

Hans: We can use prune juice if it’s cheaper.

Tobias: I mean there is not enough prune juice in the world to get me to shit 9 times in an afternoon, let alone 99. And are we filling them with food or something? Where do they get the sheer organic mass to do this and how much does that cost?

Ben: You’re not in charge of budget Tobias, I am.

Eric: These people are famously full of shit, if there’s any group that can do spontaneously create shit just to shit on each others faces, it’s jews.

Ben: LOL

Hans: LOL

Tobias: LOL

Eric: What if we put a bunch of infants in soccer balls and then kick them around?

Hans: Oh that’s nice, we’ll call it “sport murder.”

Eric: I think what’s really important is that we murder so many jews and then throw their jew corpses in a field that when people step in the field there are geysers of jew blood squirting up into the air.

Tobias: Squirting up into the air? You’d think they’d just sort of seep out.

Hans: We’ve got orders to murder a lot of jews here Tobias.

Tobias: Enough to casually shatter the known laws of physics, apparently.

Hans: That’s right and all for the pagan gods of Valhalla. Any other ideas?

Eric: Can we also have a giant pit of fire where we shove pregnant jewesses into.

Hans: Yes Eric, we absolutely can have that.

Ben: What if we shoved hunks of wood up their asses?

Hans: Ben I love it. Hey Eric, if we’re already training German Shepards to go for the gonads, do you think we could train German Shepards with poison fangs to bite jews in the calves?

Eric: That’s a great idea.

Tobias: Where are we going to get German Shepards with poison fangs?

Ben: Uhm Tobias, it’s not that hard to just put some poison coating on their teeth.

Hans: OMFG LOL, this guy’s such a clown.

Eric: Tobias is the kind of guy just looking for reasons why something can’t work.

Tobias: And are we doing this before or after we feed them their third meal of the day?

Ben: Well after, duh. We want them well fed and sluggish for the Poison Fang German Shepards.

Tobias: Of course, no idea why I asked.

Hans: I don’t either Tobias. Eric, what if we could also train German Shepards to understand Beethoven, so they bit the hands of jews when they misplayed notes on a piano.

Eric: First Penis Hungry German Shepards, now Pianist Hungry German Shepards. Hans you’re brilliant.

Hans: Oh you.

Ben: Do we get to shrink the jew heads down like Aztecs? Because if don’t get a shrunken jew head memento how will I remember this twenty years from now?

Hans: I’ll certainly try to make that happen, but for now are there any other methods of execution.

Ben: I’ll just go through a few I’ve thought of. Using jews as human chess pieces where they get killed when they get captured. Our camp doctor Joseph Mengele skinchanging into a 7 foot blonde haired blue eyed man doing research on jew twins for vague and pain inducing purposes. Pumping chlorine gas up their asses. Jew children getting their eyeballs plucked out and then glued onto walls. And finally, chasing jews into a pond full of acid.

Hans: Yes, yes, yes, yes, and more yes.

Tobias: Literally none of those are practical or realistic ways of secretly committing mass murder that are also cheaper than starvation, gunfire, or strangulation.

Ben: You know I put myself out there and all I get is this constant negativity.

Hans: Shut up Tobias, god this goy knows nothing. You’re gonna make Ben cry.

Tobias: JUST SHOOT THE JEWS IN THE FUCKING HEAD.

Eric: We already said no Tobias.

Ben: Oh and last idea, what if we sent the jews to cages. Then there’s a bear that tears them apart, and the eagle picks at their bones.

Hans: Eric, Ben seems to be a bundle of genius over here. Anything you got?

Eric: What if we gassed the jews?

Hans: I like it, and I like this gassing idea.

Tobias: Oh that kind of makes sense, use all the Sarin gas that we have lying around unused.

Eric: No I was thinking more like a mildly toxic slow-release insecticide instead.

Hans: Right, that makes more sense.

Ben: What if we kill a few jews, then make fermented gas from the dead jews, and use that on the other jews.

Tobias: Not seeing why we don’t just use the deadly poisonous Sarin gas we already have lying around.

Hans: Well you see goys, we do need to make this a super duper secret genocide. That’s what the documents in my head told me. So Sarin gas is completely ruled out. It’s slow-release insecticide, fermented jew body gas, or nothing.

Eric: Well I mean if we built a giant gas chamber in the middle of the camp that would be pretty hard to keep secret.

Tobias: Right, so that’s-

Eric: So let’s do exactly that.

Hans: I love it. Now this isn’t necessary, but do we have any plans to disguise it?

Ben: So what if like, we make a dual purpose shower room/gas chamber, right? Then we like, make the jews play with the dead infant jew soccer ball until they get nice and tired and sweaty.

Hans: Well we’re dealing with the grossest most unathletic people ever here so that shouldn’t take long.

Ben: And then we can be like “omg, you should like, take a shower or something.” And then they’ll get to the shower and we’ll be like “SURPRIIIIIIIIIIIIISE.” And then we’ll hit them with the slow release zyclon B insecticide and they’ll all be dead like 18 hours later.

Hans: Fucking brilliant.

Eric: Absolute legend.

Tobias: Dehydration also works and is free.

Hans: Tobias, shut the fuck up. His plan is perfect.

Eric: You know it is, except for the little jew children?

Hans: What about them?

Eric: Well they might not want to play soccer with the adults right? So how are we going to get them into the shower room gas chambers?

Ben: Oh my fucking gawd I have, like, the most brilliant plan ever to kill all the little jewlets.

Tobias: Oh dear god how dumb will this be.

Ben: Not dumb at all. We simply lure the children into the gas chambers with chocolate bars and other assorted yummy sweets. So we like, tie the chocolate bars on strings and then the greedy jew toddler comes in and we shut the door and release the mildly toxic insecticide.

Tobias: And how many children do you expect to kill this way.

Ben: I’m thinking like five hundred thousand.

Tobias: FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND CHILDREN LURED INTO GAS CHAMBERS WITH CHOCOLATE BARS!

Hans: Ben, just when I think that you’re a worthless little faggot who can’t come up with a non retarded idea to save your life, you totally redeem yourself.

Tobias: Help me, I’m dying.

Hans: No Tobias, jews are dying, after being hooked up to masturbation machines and insecticided into lampshades. But there is one little wrinkle that I need to explain to you all.

Tobias: The documents in your head said something.

Hans: They did indeed Tobias. We need to not kill a single jew at all the concentration camps that will be captured by the Allies.

*slight pause

Tobias: You did that thing where you stopped talking, as if what you just said made sense in the context of the rest of the conversation.

Hans: Well it’s really quite simple. We need this to be 100% secret, and the concentration camps that will be captured by the US and Great Britain will allow independent investigation.

Eric: Oh man, there’s no way we’re getting away with masturbating jews to death over there, no matter how hard we try.

Hans: Agreed Eric. That’s why we can’t kill any jews at those camps, only the ones captured by the Communists, which will never allow independent investigation.

Ben: So that’s where we’ll shove hunks of wood up jew asses and pluck their eyeballs out before gluing them onto the wall.

Hans: Yes, but secretly.

Tobias: How the fuck are we supposed to know ahead of time which camps will be captured by whom?

Eric: It’s called looking at a map Tobias.

Tobias: That’s the second time someone has stopped talking as if they made a cogent point, but even beyond that, why do we even have the camps in future Allied controlled areas if we aren’t killing jews there. Why don’t we just only have the camps in the communist controlled areas where we can secretly kill the jews.

Ben: In shower room gas chambers with wooden doors and a mildly toxic insecticide.

Tobias: I mean is the wooden door thing required?

Hans, Ben, Eric: Yes.

Tobias: Fine, but seriously, why don’t we just not bother with those camps?

Hans: Because reasons Tobias, you’re not in charge here.

Tobias: Right.

Hans: Right.

Tobias: Well at least tell me we’re murdering all the jews that we send to the communist captured camps.

Hans: No, barely any, there will be millions of survivors.

Eric: Of the roller coaster ovens.

Tobias: I’m a little thunderstruck.

Hans: Yeah well you know it’s likely that we just won’t get around to killing most of the jews there, but we’ll still somehow get to six million.

Ben: Penises bitten off by dick hungry German Shepards.

Tobias: I think I might need a bit of a timeout, really wrap my head around this.

Hans: Look this entire operation is pretty simple, and not convoluted at all. We’re just doing the world’s most efficiently conducted genocide ever, that’s all.

Eric: Yes, this is all very efficient.

Tobias: Let me begin from the start here.

Hans: Go ahead Tobias.

Tobias: We’ve got a secret plan to murder all the jews, that’s so secret, there’s literally no evidence for it at all.

Hans: Yeah well there might be a document here or there where it says something completely different that you can maliciously interpret to mean “gas these heebs,” but yeah pretty much.

Tobias: And for some reason, our plan isn’t just “shoot all the jews in the head and throw them in a pit.”

Ben: Yes Toby, that would be mean and expensive.

Tobias: Instead our plan is to send them all off to Summer Camp for Schlomo, where instead of murdering them we give them three meals a day, clean water, a roof over their heads, and even medical treatment when they get sick or injured.

Eric: Correct. This is crucial for genocide.

Tobias: While this is all we do at the camps that we somehow through premonition know will be captured by the US/Britain, at the ones captured by communists we murder these jews in a myriad of expensive, counter-productive, and physically impossible ways.

Ben: Yes, it must be so.

Tobias: And then we cover this all up so perfectly, that there’s literally no evidence.

Hans: It took you a while, but you have finally come to understand. Although we might need to hire Bigfoot to help us shred the documents.

Tobias: I get it. I truly do, but I just have one question left.

Hans: Go ahead Toby.

Tobias: What if they say “the fact that there’s no evidence proves that it happened and then there was a coverup.”

Eric: Well that’s fucking retarded.

Ben: I mean you could use that logic to prove literally anything.

Hans: Everybody look at me, I had a threesome with the two hottest women in Russia. There’s no evidence because Stalin covered it up.

Eric: I personally went to the moon but then the CIA did a coverup which is why there’s no evidence.

Ben: I also had sex with a woman, but then the Loch Ness Monster cast a spell and no one will ever know.

Tobias: You’re right, I guess that’s too retarded, even for jews.

Our award winning team of journalists described these revelations as “sickening,” “horrifying,” and “the lumberjack one made me laugh, are these all real?” Our only response is sadly yes goyim, all of these horrifying methods of execution have been corroborated through witness testimony, many of which are even Proven at Nuremberg.

Video counteracting filthy lampshadocaust fact-checking historians can be found here. And the audio recording of these evil men talking can be found here.