Breaking 911:

MIAMI BEACH, Fla. (WPLG) – A 27-year-old man who identified himself as a homeless model is facing criminal charges for masturbating in public view at a Starbucks, police said.

Boy, that was a short article. Any accompanying images?

I’m sorry, that might be the greatest face I have ever seen. Shame it’s low resolution or it would become a staple of the site.

Luckily Blake Rein, the homeless man in the video, sat down with the Daily Rake and told his side of the story.

Dr. Shekelstein: Blake, so nice of you to join us here at the Rake Report.

Blake Rein: Thanks for having me Mr. Shekelstein.

*Shekelstein becomes visibly annoyed at the lack of his title. He didn’t get his PhD in African Studies for nothing.

Dr. Shekelstein: Blake you were caught masturbating in a Starbucks, is there some context that was left out of this story.

Blake Rein: Well you know how the jew media operates.

Shekelstein: Please Mr. Rein, we call them globalists here.

*Tasteful audience laughter.

Rein: I was very angry with Starbucks back in 2017 when they promised to hire 10,000 refugees over White Americans.

Dr. Shekelstein: Hardworking Americans.

*Tittering from high class crowd.

Rein: Right, and they were doing some other kike shit you know all the time.

Shekelstein: Perhaps the appropriate term would be jew supremacist activism, but there’s no doubt with Howard Schultz. After all, he has described himself as a “Liberal Hawk.” Meaning that he’s incredibly anti-White and pro-Pervert, but he also really loves wars for the geopolitical interests of Yidsrael.

Rein: Yeah, kike shit.

*Audience laughs, Dr. Shekelstein hides a momentary flash of jealousy as this rough and tumble working class man temporarily steals the adoration of the crowd.

Dr. Shekelstein: Indeed. So what does this have to do with your masturbation session.

Blake Rein: Well I thought, Starbucks makes shitty coffee, but they’re popular amongst shitty people as some sort of fake high status treat.

Dr. Shekelstein: I think I’m starting to see where this is going.

Blake Rein: Right, so I thought, maybe if I masturbate here it’ll be thought of as a place where homeless people masturbate, instead of a place where uptalking faggots hang out.

Dr. Shekelstein: Absolutely brilliant.

*Shekelstein puts his hands together to clap and the audience joins him just a split second later. This lasts only a few seconds.

Dr. Shekelstein: Now Mr. Rein the goyim are quite generous. I understand you’ve been having some trouble with your living arrangements. If there’s –

Blake Rein: Oh I’m not homeless.

Shekelstein: I beg your pardon?

Rein: I just wanted to pretend to be as dirty as possible to play the role.

Shekelstein: So you have some sort of job.

Rein: I should hope so, I’ve been putting my PhD in astrophysics to good use with NASA these past five years.

*Shekelstein puts his hands together even more vigorously this time.

Shekelstein: Ladies and gentleman a true genius walks among us. 

*Audience applause is strong, but is cut short with a slight raise of Shekelstein’s hand. 

Shekelstein: So I have to ask, how is it at NASA?

Rein: Honestly it’s disappointing.

Shekelstein: I’m sorry to hear that. What’s the problem?

Rein: Honestly, there are just a lot of faggots over here that I have to see everyday at work.

Shekelstein: How unfortunate, any plan to get rid of them?

Rein: Well you know I was thinking.

Shekelstein: Uh huh.

Rein: That maybe I could dress up like a homeless man and masturbate in the corner.

Shekelstein: I’m sorry I’m not sure I see what the purpose of that would be.

Rein: Well you see I want the general public to stop associating NASA with the moon landing and –

Shekelstein: Start associating NASA with homeless dudes masturbating in the corner.

Rein: Correctomondo. 

Shekelstein: Ladies and gentlemen Mr. Rein is – 

Rein: *Dr.

Shekelstein: I’m sorry.

Rein: Come on Shekelstein, I didn’t get that PhD for nothing.

*Rein winks at Shekelstein. For a moment the man is stunned, but within a fraction of a second he composes himself, and gives just the slightest Masculine Nod of Approval to Dr. Rein.

Shekelstein: Put your hands together for Dr. Rein, the man who is destroying Globo Homo one public masturbation session at a time.

*Audience gives standing ovation to Dr. Rein, penis still firmly ensonced in his pants. He and Shekelstein give each other a brief, but warm handshake as Shekelstein waves to the crowd. Finally, Dr. Rein exits stage.

Shekelstein: And that’s all for tonights show. Next time we talk with a pedophile who works in orphanges for homeless jew children.

It’s a bold strategy. Let’s see how it plays out for him.

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