I never actually saw Amazon Studio’s butchering of the Wheel of Time. I think I may have to watch the first episode, like I did with my Rangz of the Kangz series. One was enough for me there, and I think one might be all I could stand of Pimp My Wheels of Time. What little I’ve seen online has shown that, similar to Rangz of the Kangz, even many of the stereotypical shills have abandoned the sinking ship that is Wheel of Time.
But as bad as the butchering of Wheel of Time was, it was supposed to be even worse. Robert Jordan, the original author, wrote the first eleven books in the series before passing away at the age of 58 due to a heart condition. Brandon Sanderson, a well respected and very prolific fantasy author, was brought in to finish the last three books in the series. I haven’t read past something like book six, and only then as a pre-teen, but the general consensus amongst the fans is that Sanderson did a good if not perfect job finishing the series.
Sanderson was brought in as a consultant for the Wheel of Time television show produced at the behest of (((Jennifer Salke))). He publicly complained that they seemed to not be all that interested in what he had to tell them, although he did get a few things changed, all clearly for the better. His three posts on the Wheel of Time subreddit are the second, third, and fourth most popular posts, and in them he does the polite version of disavowing the show.
Brandon Sanderson: So, I have fought hard (but amicably) with Rafe on this very issue (changing so many scenes from the books) multiple times. I have several times said, “There is a perfectly serviceable scene from the books that happens here. Why not use that one?”
Translation: This fucking gay retard named Rafe Judkins is incompetent, but he thinks that he can do better than Robert Jordan, the creator of arguably the most popular fantasy series of all time not named “Lord of the Rings.” I’ve told him to stick to the original source material, but he’s told me that there aren’t enough gay mystery meats for his liking. Yes, this is unnecessary, but no, he’s not going to stop. I’ve done what I can and I’m washing my hands of this.
Later he says the following.
But Sanderson has a smart way of looking at these changes. “I view this as a new turning of the wheel,” he writes in a comment further down the thread. “It’s not an adaptation of the books to me; it’s an adaptation of the NEXT time these people are living this story.”
Translation: WTF is this shit? Perrin kills his wife that he never had, are you fucking kidding me? This lisping faggot keeps changing everything for no reason and it’s so bad that it can’t even be considered an adaption. I know that I’m not Robert Jordan and I technically did some fan-fiction to finish the series, but that was at least super high quality stuff and I followed Jordan’s notes to the letter. Rafe Judkins is essentially doing shit-tier fan-fiction loosely based on Wheel of Time and I don’t want anyone thinking that I’m somehow responsible for this garbage.
Brandon Sanderson is one of the nicest creatives I have ever seen. He’s not going to come out and say “LOL, this shit’s terrible and Rafe is an idiot,” but he felt the need to, without being asked I might add, make it very clear to the public that not only is he not responsible for the changes, but that he personally doesn’t even consider this show to be Wheel of Time. Yes, he was consulted, and yes, they did change some things at his behest, but the things that they changed were, well, you’ll just have to see for yourself, because someone leaked the original season one episode one script, and it’s worse than you thought.
INT. TWO RIVERS – STABLES – NIGHT
The pitter-patter of the rain on the thatched roof of the stables. Horses stomping and neighing, nervous. Then a MOAN.
CAMERA MOVES through the darkness, and we see two silhouettes against one of the walls. Danya’s holding onto one of the ceiling beams with her strong arms, her legs wrapped around a man’s shoulders. He’s shirtless, head hidden beneath her skirt.
[NOTE: All sex scenes in 101 will be focused on the pleasure of the women. Likewise, the female body should be seen as strong and in control in these scenes.]
Yeah, it’s real, and this is what Brandon Sanderson saved us from. It gets even more graphic and ridiculous, as we’re not even halfway through this scene.
Oh light… yes. I’m close. Mat,
I’m so close.
He pulls back for a moment, moves the skirt to look up at her with his charming, slanted smile. A beat, then —
He grins, knows exactly what he’s doing when he says —
Oh, sorry, did you want me to keep
going? You know, I can’t hear much when I’m —
She PUSHES his face back under her skirt and between her legs.
CLOSE-UP of her right hand clenched in his hair, pulling, pushing. We see again the beautiful WOVEN GOLD BRACELET around her wrist.
As Mat brings Danya closer and closer, we see him take her hands in his. Their fingers INTERTWINE against the wall as he pushes against her and she rides him, moving rhythmically over and over.
DANYA Yes… there… yes.
As she comes, he pushes her hands against the wall, sliding his fingers along hers… and her golden bracelet falls off.
She breathes out for a long moment, eyes closed, heaving. Then slowly, she slides down the wall, her body brushing along his lips the entire way. Her stomach, her breasts, finally her lips.
She moves to continue down to her knees. But he glances at the ground beneath, sees it’s muddy from the rain… and the golden bracelet is down there. He stops Danya.
Why don’t we say you owe me one?
Don’t want your knees getting muddy.
(smiles, rolls her eyes)
Makes me feel like a taker.
She smiles, kisses him again, heads back toward the Inn. Mat stands in the darkened shadows for a long beat as the rain gets stronger on the roof.
He looks down at the golden bracelet for a long beat, then picks it up and slides it into his pocket.
Yes, the original script was literally erotic fan-fiction of the Wheel of Time. This is what Brandon Sanderson saved us from, and frankly I wish that he hadn’t, because it’s so bad and perverted that it’s otherworldly. Fans of the book may overcome their shock at Mat apparently being The Best Pussy-Eater in Twin Rivers and realize that they also now rewrote his character as a petty thief. Not even a good thief either, as it will be obvious to the girl who was the beneficiary of his Amazing Pussy Eating Skills as well as cleptomania.
You see Book Mat was a fun loving prank-enjoying seventeen year old who had the same very traditionalist morality as the rest of Two Rivers, combined with plenty of sex-related anxiety, as would be expected of someone so young. But they had to slut up Mat for a modern audience. I mean, they didn’t have to, but they felt like doing this to the characters that you know and love. And you’ll be amazed at what they did to the characters and world of Wheel of Time for the second season.
I don’t mean to blow my cover, but Brandon Sanderson sent me a personal email with the script of season 2 episode 1. We’ve corresponded before over our shared love of obscure late twentieth century Japanese role playing games, Adolf Hitler, and the highly underrated First Law series by Joe Abercrombie, so it wasn’t unusual to get an email from him. What was unusual was the title of his email “I’ve had it with these fucking kikes kiking up Wheel of Time I just can’t take”. I believe that he had run into the character limit for his email title, which, with the context given, indicated to me that he was positively fuming. The email had no subject text other than:
Are these kikes and faggots fucking kidding me?!!?
Along with his email signature: “Brandon ‘Hitler did nothing wrong’ Sanderson”. Aside from that it had nothing other than a single attached file. What follows is select excerpts from that file, the script for the soon to be released Wheel of Time, Season Two, Episode One. All notes are presumably from Rafe Judkins himself.
SCENE: The streets of Tar Valon.
Fuck FUCK. Oh my god FUCK. Fuck I’ve never had pussy eaten so goo – FUCK FUCK. My fucking Fuck that’s good pussy eating.
SCENE: Mat’s putting his newfound pussy eating skills to the use on Nynaeve. Lots of post processing is added to the scene to make this sound extraordinarily moist. I want two extra slimy cantaloupes to be rubbed together right next to a microphone. Then we’re getting a homosexual friend of mine to make slurping noises while we shove the microphone down his throat. It’s okay, he knows how to handle it.
Mat looks up.
MAT: The real pleasure is mine since I get to be subservient to a woman and thus serving the Aes Sedai Matriarchy.
NOTE: I want season two to feel even more like the real world, so we’re recasting Mat because that actor wasn’t vaccinated. Also, can we get an Arab or something in there? That would feel more diverse. Finally, I know that there is an entire system of swearing in the books, but I thought it would be more true to the Wheel of Time to have Nynaeve getting her pussy graphically eaten out by Mat Cawthorne while she screams “FUCK” over and over again instead of “blood and ashes,” or something like that.
NYNAEVE: Oh god this pussy eating is so good. Mat, your pussy eating skills are amazing. My pussy is being eaten really well right now.
NOTE: I am particularly proud of this dialogue and I feel it really helps establish the world of Ta’Veren. We need to establish that there are different sects of Aes Sedai, such as the Black Aes Sedai, who would not approve of Nynaeve getting her pussy eaten out in broad daylight on the streets of Tar Valon. This dialogue does a lot of world building work for us, which is why we’re adding this scene and not the actual events of The Great Hunt.
Mat: Golly gosh darn it am I ever enjoying the taste of your tight little pussy.
NOTE: Mat is a country boy so this dialogue is realistic for him.
NYNAEVE: Wow. I just came. I came so hard. God, that pussy eatin’ was finger licking good.
SCENE: We’re treated to a shot of Mat’s face. He’s covered in pussy slime and he’s ABSOLUTELY LOVING IT. He smiles, which we can see through his gooey face.
MAT: Oh god just the thrill. The thrill of being able to please the morally superior sex. T-thank you for this honour my queen.
SCENE: Nynaeve catches her breath. She’s sagging down the wall, but then she straightens up, as if Mat stabbed her pussy with the dagger from Shadar Logoth or whatever it’s called. This is never explained but it adds mystery to the World before they resume talking as if nothing happened.
NYNAEVE: Oh my god, Mat. Rand may be the chosen one, but your tongue is the dragon, if ever there was one.
MAT: Yaaaaaaayyyyyyy! I’m really happy now and also overjoyed.
NEW SCENE: Location: Mat, Rand, and Perrin’s dildo shop that they opened up in Caemlyn.
RAND: Boy it sure is nice that we opened up this dildo shop in Caemlyn.
MAT: I think we’ve really shown that there is an organic, local demand for globo homo that many people think gets astroturfed by trillion dollar multinationals.
PERRIN: Those don’t exist in our world, so it’s even more ridiculous that anyone believes that.
SCENE: The boys share a laugh at how ridiculous people who don’t support The Current Thing are.
MAT: It’s not even about the money we make from our rainbow dildos, it’s about fighting against the cisheteronormative straight white male patriarchy that really does it for me.
PERRIN: Honest to god like if your anus hasn’t prolapsed by now are you even a real person?
RAND: You said it brother. I tell ya Mat, Perrin’s always right, isn’t he?
SCENE: The store gets ominously quite as the audience gasps in shock at Rand not just using the wrong pronouns for Perrin, but also his dead name. Then Perrin/Karen explodes.
PERRIN/KAREN: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY?!
NOTE: In the original work Perrin turns into a weird wolf thing that I didn’t really understand. But that didn’t seem Current Year enough for me, so in this version he turns into a tranny instead.
SCENE: There is a kerfuffle of sorts with Rand submissively apologizing for his borderline genocidal words as Mat tries to diffuse the situation. Karen threatens Rand with violence, which he takes seriously since he was enormous for a man, and downright gargantuan for a woman. Finally it calms down.
RAND: I’m so sorry for that Karen. I’m trying hard to overcome my fascist upbringing and truly embrace progressivism.
NOTE: Much of the first half of the second season revolves around the boys coming to terms with Karen’s gender identity. The second half is her trying to schedule a gender confirmation surgery. The lack of such options shows how important it is to support our frontline personnel in the war against Covid.
MAT: This is why urbanites are morally superior to us!
SCENE: The boys + Karen all share a laugh together before having gay sex with Karen’s girldick. It’s a really wholesome and inspiring scene that shows us how much love they share for each other, and how Two Rivers will always be a part of their life.
NOTE: Also, Mat fucked Tam, Rand’s father. This doesn’t affect the plot, but make sure to drop that line in somewhere to establish this as lore.
NEW SCENE: Tar Valon.
Over a minute of straight moaning and wet slurping sounds are all we hear as the scene of a lesbian + warders orgy is conveyed to the audience. The warders have leashes around their necks as they tongue the Aes Sedai’s holes in their bi-annual orgy. This symbolizes their rightful place as men, being subservient to women. But mostly they’re all lesbians going to town on each other. Also, there’s a lot of ass-eating since we’re trying to make it true to Robert Jordan’s vision.
NOTE: The books made way too many of the Aes Sedai conform to the traditional norms of female beauty. These Aes Sedai are all healthy at any size, and have copious fat rolls.
ELAYNE: Mmphf. Mfhkld. Mdhfkl.
The camera zooms in on Obese Elayne eating Moiraine out.
MOIRAINE: Yeah that’s right. You like the taste of pussy you little slut?
Moiraine says this while she pegs Lan. She grabs him by his man bun and roughly pegs away.
LAN: God, it feels like the blade of Shadar Morguth is in my rectum. Fuck me harder mommy!
Elayne takes a break from eating out Moiraine. Her face is absolutely covered in juices. Seriously, it looks like she jerked off an elephant or dunked her head in a bucket of snot or something.
ELAYNE: Eating pussy is just like mending a broken baby birds wing. This is totally in line with my character from the books, no matter what any alt-right trolls might say.
NOTE: Elayne needs to look right at the camera when she says that to really hammer home the point that this is OUR intellectual property now. And yes, her face is still coated with an inch thick layer of girlboss cunt slime.
EGWENE: It’s just amazing how SUPERIOR women are. But those Red Sedai are real biatches aren’t they?
MATILDA: Noooo, the White Sedai are the REAL biatches.
FALULAH: No actually the Black Sedai are the TRUE Biatches.
NOTE: God I just love how we’re weaving the deep, layered politics of Tar Valon in with the action scenes.
In the middle of the orgy the Aes Sedai all begin agreeing that the Black Sedai are the true biatches. Suddenly a chorus of voices start shouting “Moiraine should be in charge of literally everything,” in between orgasms. Then a servant comes in and gives Moiraine a crown of thorns, which is symbolic in a way we haven’t figure out yet.
SERVANT: Wow, now you’re the real queen.
The chorus of orgasming obese Aes Sedai start chanting “Yasss Queeen. Slayyyyy. Slay Queeeen,” while they all simultaneously orgasm together, something not seen since the breaking of the World.
There you have it, Season Two of Amazon Studios Wheel of Time. Truly this will be one of the shows of all time. A show that ranks among the shows that have been produced.