In December of last year “Cocaine Bear” went trending on twitter as the world found out that Hollywood was coming out with a movie based on a true story. The true story being that a bear once at a huge amount of cocaine and died five minutes later.
The Hollywood version is of a bear that spends multiple days going on a bloody rampage when it isn’t doing HILAREEOUS hijinks involving cocaine.
Did you see that? The bear did cocaine and then rubbed itself on the ground. It’s supposed to be a terrifying predator and yet it does this. What an absolute holocausting of our expectations!
It’s not really clear if the movie was going for comedy or horror. What is clear is that it totally fails at everything, as I predicted.
Mike: The joke’s on you, idiots. Cocaine Bear is the greatest scam in all of movie history. A film created with the sole purpose of viral marketing, casting friends in overpaid roles, and making a quick, shit movie where all the funny parts are in the trailer.
I wouldn’t bother watching anyone other than Pitch Meeting. If you don’t know who that guy is, he’s probably the funniest guy in the cottage industry that has sprung up making fun of the turds that Hollywood produces. He’s relatively apolitical, unlike someone like Reaper, or The Woke Critic, but no less worth watching.
As an aside, I clicked on Reaper channel and was greeted with the following.
Almost all of his videos have been deleted. This was not his choice, YouTube just nuked them so he had to re-upload.
As I’ve said before, the only thing that causes you to be censored is efficacy. The guy kept it subtle, but was clearly /OurGoy/. Now he has to start again from scratch. Although you can find him, and us, on Rumble.
And as an aside to this aside, Rumble has still failed to sync a single video from our YouTube channel, even though it’s been two weeks and they’ve fleshed out the list of videos to sync.
Now back to the horrible movie.
Cocaine Bear has mediocre, but not terrible scores from critics and audiences. This is because of a phenomenon known as “Hipsters are Fucking Stupid.” I can’t even post clips of the movie because it is so utterly cringe inducing. And on top of that it’s disturbingly gory.
The memes were fun. The actual movie, not so much.
B movies are just Hollywood’s version of the Alt-Lite. In part they’re a reframing of the problems with (((Harvey Weinstein’s))) Hollywood as “corporatism” instead of “judaism.” They’re produced by the same people, and put money into the pockets of the same people.
They’re also just cheap cash grabs. Why make a shitty movie for $200 million when you can make Cocaine Bear for $20 million, get some viral marketing, and get hipsters with a corporate created consumerist identity to show up anyway and shell out their money?
Above you can see the “best scene” in the movie. Yep folks, this is as good as it gets. Some over the top screaming, humour that misses the mark, bad effects, and intentionally discordant 80s music as the background that’s been done before. If you’d like to watch ninety more minutes of poorly made shock filmmaking that wears out its welcome after the first minute, I’d suggest you head into your local theatre and buy a ticket for Cocaine Bear.
The only thing worth watching is old MST3K movies, old doctor Who, and funny innocent sci-fi “atomic space age” movies from the 50s. From back when the world was actually less jewed, and way way way less stupid. Nobody has ever come close to capturing the feel of those old things – if you try to be stupid it doesn’t work, those days are gone and the pure cheesiness I love has left the planet – now a hellish economic nightmare smelling of gefiltefish on moldy bagels.
There’s been a few decent things in the past couple decades – 5 at most.
If you’re interested – believe me you will like them – Bottle Rocket, Life Aquatic, The man who knew too Little, The Rover, Dead Man .. a few other martial arts things out of Thailand I can’t remember. – Oh yeah, going way back, by far the best martial arts / wire fu – ish thing ever made and Tarantino agrees: “Master of the Flying Guillotine”.