After nothing happened at the Ghetto Shire we switch back to the elf story. We’re introduced to Young Elrond writing some truly awful poetry.
The only sample we get is the following.
For centuries they have swept across crag and crook, sweeping away the last remnants of our enemy, like a spring rain over the bones of a dead animal.
He’s mulling over that last line when he is interrupted by some veiled lady. I’m reproducing their entire conversation below, lest someone complain I’ve misrepresented how nonsensical this is.
Veiled Lady: Harold Elrond! At last!
Elrond: Yes, it’s almost as if I didn’t wish to be found. What tidings.
VL: The council regrets to inform you that you won’t be permitted to attend the next session. Elf Lords only.
Elrond: Was there anything else?
VL: Yes, your friend has arrived.
Elrond: She is here, why didn’t you say so?
One of the problems I have when writing is striking that balance between being entertaining and being blunt. There’s only so many times you can repeat the same thing before you get a phenomenon that was aptly described by one of my commenters on telegram.
So I’m sorry if I’m repeating myself, but I just can’t get over how sloppily written this show is. It’s like the awfulness is fractal in nature, where no matter how far you zoom out or in you’re dealing with the same amount of nonsensical terribleness.
Anyway Elrond meets up with his friend, who is revealed to be Galadriel. They exchange some pleasantries that are utterly inconsequential, and then go for a walk. Galadriel then asks to speak to the manager, which in this case is the Chief Elf Guy, and we cut back to the hobbits.
The little girl hobbit, Lorry, gives a little monologue about how much she wants to go out adventuring. Then her Black Mommy, not pictured above, tries to verbally slap some sense back into her, and that’s it. Nothing actually happened other than characters telling you their motivation and not actually doing anything.
We then cut back to the elves as the Chief Elf Guy announces that Galadriel and her surviving crew are going to the Grey Havens, or whatever it’s called. This pisses Galadriel off since she’s a real ShieldMaiden, and she’s desperate to get another bunch of he-elves killed by snow trolls while having their elf-balls freeze off. There’s a moment of tension, but then she accepts his gift anyway.
The elf-king guy was horribly miscast, given terrible direction, or both. He’s incredibly bad, but we’ll get back to him later in the episode.
In the meantime he throws a party for everyone in the elf kingdom, and Galadriel, being anti-social, is away from everyone else and admiring the shrine to her brother. Elves live for millennia, so of course she can’t spend one single night sipping wine and trying to be a normal person. Then she’d have to turn in her GirlBoss! card, and we couldn’t be having that now could we?
Elrond comes out to meet her and they have another one of these nonversations that we just had between the hobbits in the Ghetto Shire. If you don’t know what a nonversation is, it’s when you get characters in the same room talking forever, but nothing advances the plot, or even develops the characters themselves. Usually they bloviate about their motivations, but that’s about it. The latter seasons of Game of Thrones were infamous for these, but Rangz of the Kangz one-ups them by having them right from the start.
I’m not going to recap this entire, multiple agonizing minutes long nonversation, but this is the quality of writing we’re dealing with.
Elrond: Ah yes, your mystery sigil. I shared it with the high king.
Galadriel: Then why would –
Elrond: Because seeing a sigil does not mean you’re any closer to finding Sauron. It is over. The evil is gone.
Elrond here makes the same great point that the Elf Seargeant made on the top of the mountain in the beginning of the episode. Maybe there is something to everyone else in Middle Earth thinking Sauron is gone. It kind of seems like Galadriel is being a crazy biatch, but once again, this is a billion dollar production, so I’m sure that Galadriel will have some excellent and well reasoned –
Galadriel: Then why is it not gone from here?
The nonversation continues after Galadriel makes the bitch face with even more tedious talk about evil as if it’s a physical entity and not an abstract concept. They try to out “I’ve seen more evil than you,” each other, and then there are multiple attempts at Shakespearian dialogue that fall completely flat.
Elrond: If but a whisper of a rumour of the threat you perceive proves true, I will not not rest until it is put right.
Don’t bother trying to figure that one out, it just doesn’t mean anything. Eventually after nothing continues to happen the nonversation mercifully ends.
I can’t help but compare the Amazon Elrond to the LOTR/Jackson Elrond, and think the former comes out looking some distant way beyond terrible by comparison. I don’t know if it’s the actor, or the direction, but I get serious homosexual vibes from this guy, and it’s a lot worse in motion. In contrast, Elrond from the LOTR series was well written and even better acted. That Elrond was everything he was supposed to be.
And the same is true for Galadriel. Amazon’s Galadriel is this annoying cuntess who makes bitch face at everyone all the time, goes around doing sword parkour, and has an anti-social streak that borders on autistic.
Tolkein/Jackson Galadriel is beautiful, charming, mysterious, and more than a little dangerous.
But did she do any mountain climbing knife parkour? Did she needlessly jump 20 feet into the air before twirling her sword around for no apparent reason when fighting a cave troll? Did she act like a hormonal 13 year old spoiled brat? No, and that’s why Bezos’ version is much better.
That was fifteen minutes of runtime where basically nothing happened. Now it’s time to be introduced to the disgusting inter-species/racial fetish relationship between the White single mother and the Black elf.
But we’ll get there next time.