I’m taking a break from Anglin’s 40,000 Tome of Knowledge defense of Harvey Weinstein for these morning articles, and I wanted to get a short little break to beat on the Schizo jew “anti-semite hunter” in Andrew “Weev” Auernheimer. Really though I just wanted to give you all a taste of what’s to come.

Weev makes a big deal out of hacking AT&T. In reality, he actually didn’t do it, some other guy did. Here, let me show you some IRC logs from the criminal complaint. 

We’ll have a lot more to talk about this “Leet Haxxxoring” later, but for now all you need to know is that Weev’s just the dumbfuck who went blabbering about this to the media and got his ass arrested and thrown in prison. He didn’t even do the Leet Haxxoring, which amounted to nothing more than getting some emails and then being thrown in jail.

Well Weev’s attention whoring was not a one time thing. He penned the following article on TechCrunch. I’ll write up a lot more on this later, but I just want to hilight one hilariously fake part.

TechCrunch:

I left the Aaron Swartz memorial tonight emotionally exhausted. Here is a guy who was beloved by many of my close friends, whose suffering and miseries I have shared in kind. I’ll never forget when the Secret Service started following me. My lover at the time and I treated it like a game, spending our days ditching surveillance in the best ways possible: speedboats, helicopters, club bouncers.

Oh no do please continue you little dweeb. I’m curious how specifically this was supposed to work. Like you see the Secret Service men shadowing you and say:

Quick Lover, to the helicopter!

Are there really helicopters just waiting to be flown in New York City? I’m trying to make this work with what I know of reality and it’s just not happening. Let me try to think of how this would happen.

SCENE: Weev and Gorgeous Supermodel Girlfriend named Esther are sitting in a coffee shop staring lovingly into each others eyes. 

Weev: Who’s your sexy little daddy man?

Esther: You Weev, you’re my sexy little daddy man!

Weev: Who’s going to be ro-

At this moment Weev has noticed the Secret Servicemen who are shadowing him. Esther notices Weev stop midsentence. As she turns to look behind her Weev places his tiny hand on her neck stopping her.

Weev: Esther my lover, I need you to keep staring at me.

Esther: Daddy stud man I don’t kn-

Weev: Lover I love you. Do as I say. 

His supermodel quality lover Esther begins to understand.

Esther: So, what do we do.

Weev: Follow my lead.

Weev proceeds to stand up on his stubby little legs, and walk by the tastefully diverse New York coffee shop staff. He speaks in Italian to the owner who is obviously of Asian descent, warning him that he’s being shadowed by the Secret Service. Weev keeps a smile on his face the whole time, and nods his head incongruously with what he’s saying, like some real spy movie shit.

Weev (in Italian): Hiratoshomi, the man with the newspaper and tophat, he’s been following me for weeks. I need you to create a distraction.

Hiratoshomi stiffens, but only for a moment. Next he does an almost imperceptible nod to the rest of the kitchen staff. The staff understands. They get it, they would die for Weev. Next thing they’re coming out with a birthday cake and singing happy birthday to the Secret Servicement at the other table.

Special Agent Dale Cooper: What? It’s not my – GET HIM!

What proceeds is a mad dash. Weev and Esther have a small headstart, but Weev’s tiny legs somewhat limit his top speed. They madly weave through traffic.

Esther: Weev, they’re gaining on us. We need to make it to the speedboats!

Weev pauses a minute, he glances around. There are Secret Servicemen crawling through the streets on all sides. Quick camera pans and cuts establish this. 

Weev (quietly): No, we’ll never make it my lover.

The orchestral score swells as we believe Weev to be caught. Then, suddenly, helicopter blades.

Special Agent Dale Cooper now with a microphone: It’s over International Man of Mystery. We have you surrounded. 

Weev: You’ve got me Special Agent Dale Cooper. 

As Weev monologues he moves slowly to his left, pulling gorgeous Esther with him. The camera cuts to shots of the apartment building door he’s moving towards, establishing how important it is. The sound of the helicopter grows louder.

Special Agent Dale Cooper: Your Leet Haxxoring days are over Andrew. Take him in boys. Today will go down as the day where we caught the Midget Madman.

Weev: I’m sorry Dale, but today will go down as the day that you ALMOST caught the Midget Madman.

Weev throws open the door as Secret Servicement leap to tackle him, barely missing. What follows is a mad dash up the stairs to the roof. Weev and Esther again have the head start, but Weev’s little legs are a real handicap. They reach the door to the roof with time to spare, but realize to their horror that it’s locked. The camera furiously cuts back and forth between them and the Secret Servicemen climbing the stairs to the roof. One appears just about to grab them, before the door comes unlocked just as it appears they’ve been caught. The Secret Servivce guy who was just behind them goes running out to his death, but there are others.

Esther: Weev what now?

Weev: Get to the choppa!

Weev and Esther make it into the helicopter, which takes off just as another Secret Service guy tries to leap onto the rails but misses and goes careening to his death. They fly away into the sunset. The helicopter pilot doesn’t think it’s too out of place that multiple federal agents just died trying to apprehend his unscheduled cargo. He’s already got the flight plan entered it’s all fine.

Ready to fly off into the sunset

It seemed pretty ridiculous to me, but after working it all out I realize that it’s totally plausible to be ditching Secret Service surveillance by constantly leaping into speedboats, helicopters, and using random club bouncers to do probably illegal obstruction of federal agents.

Man, Weev’s life is really like a Hollywood movie ain’t it? But while that last one was a High Tech Thriller, this next one is more like “low-rent porno.” Here’s Weev explaining how he hates wahmens even though he’s a mega Chad. Don’t worry, I’ll have a transcript at the bottom.

I have fucked hundreds of skanks. So many that I can take out random public political actors by revealing I’ve had sex with them. I’ve done it once, and I could do it several times more again if I wished.

Of course you can. God that’d be such a useful skill. To be such a megastud that you can destroy the careers of random women in the political sphere. Truly Weev’s 2 inch dick is a superweapon!

But you may be thinking, “a guy that looks like that, LMFAO. K maybe he banged some crack whores or disgusting sluts.” Boy would you ever be wrong.

I have fucked churchgoing women. I have fucked women I met at libraries. I have rawdogged married women in the bathroom with their husbands a couple rooms away. I have fucked all manner of 10/10s. 

Weev I’m sorry I have to say this. I believed that you were hopping in random helicopters to ditch surveillance by federal agents, but this… this is a bridge too far. I need to know what exactly you could possibly bring to the table to elicit such hypersexual behaviour amongst these pure as virgin snow churchgoing librarians.

I’m 5’4 and I have bad teeth and I am balding.

Okay this is sort of the opposite of what I was talking about.

My only objective benefit is that I’m confident, charismatic, and can recite poetry in an entrancing manner in multiple languages.

I’m sorry Weev, I’m a little curious as to how that’s supposed to work. Let me try to imagine this in my mind.

SCENE: Gorgeous 10/10 married librarian named Sarah is sitting there at a party next to her 6’4 buff, handsome and well dressed husband. He leaves for a moment to get them both drinks. Megastud weev spots his moment.

Weev: Hello there sexy.

Sarah internal monologue: Oh my god why is this guy talking to me.

Sarah out loud: Oh hi.

Sarah is clearly trying to be nice and not shoot down the little dork by hurting his feeling to much. 

Weev: I’m fucking hot and sexy.

Sarah: Wow, I’m getting turned on by your confidence, but is this enough to make me cheat on my husband in the bathroom?

Weev: J’ai un gros peepee et je veux frapper

Sarah: I’m sorry what was that?

Weev: That was French Poetry.

Sarah: My ovaries like hot soup as I look at the future father of my children.

Weev: The bathroom is right over there.

Sarah: Yes, fuck me without a condom little stud-man!

Weev (smirks): I didn’t even bother bringing one with me.

Weev and 10/10 Sarah proceed to the bathroom as her THEORETICALLY vastly more attractive husband Steve gets drinks. He comes back and wonders where his wife is. He then realizes that alpha male Weev is rawdogging her in the bathroom.

Steve: Why didn’t I learn French Poetry. NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

You know I’m still having a hard time believing this. Something about it doesn’t add up. Like, I’m on the verge of believing this, but something’s missing. Oh I know, it doesn’t feel true to life, because it’s not true to Andrew’s life. This needs to be taking place on a speedboat.

SCENE: Weev and his lover, Esther, have just escaped Secret Service Surveillance by making out before leaping off a bridge and onto a speedboat passing underneath. As they enjoy the borderline sexual thrill of naughtiness and daring they make out again.

Soon though they take notice of their surroundings. The speedboat is driven by a gorgeous girl, and populated exclusively with 10/10 teenage babes. However, they’re dressed very modestly.

Weev: What is this a librarian’s hangout?

Weev’s confidence and natural charisma is starting to win them over. They exchange glances at each other, before one replies.

Rachel: We’re all virgins on our way to nun training. 

Weev: You know I can fix that for you. 

He gives them all a leering smile, showing them his bad, yellow teeth. The 17 year old top shelf virgins begin to rub their legs together nervously. Weev’s confidence is beginning to make them EXTREMELY wet.

Rachel: Do you… do you think you could have sex with all of us?

Equally hot virgin girl Megan: Rachel no, we’re on our way to serve god Rachel. I know he’s incredibly sexy, but that’s just not enough.

Weev: Tengo un pene muy pequeño, pero sin embargo disfrutaría mucho del sexo

Megan: What was that?

Weev: Spanish poetry, it means th-

Megan: Fuck me with your fuck stick!

Rachel: Noooooo. Me first. Take my virgin pussy you little Chad!

(other megahot girl) Becky: My TIGHT little PUSSY is so WET right NOW.

The boat turns into a chorus of superhot virginal good girls demanding they be the first to get “raw dogged” by Weev and have his baby. Unfortunately at this moment Weev hears the slight whisper on the wind that signalls the US military has fired an intercontinental ballistic missile on his location. 

Weev: Esther, jump! Girls jump!

Sadly the prime virginal cunnies are too busy clawing each others eyes out to be first in line to have Weev’s baby to jump overboard until it’s too late. As the ship explodes, killing the girls, Weev looks back with anger. 

Weev: I swear to avenge these girls, and bring justice to the evil US government that facilitated this!

Shakes fist.

I had to write this piece first, because I want everyone to have a limit as to how seriously you can take this little dweeb. Weev might be one of the greatest examples of “I’m so much cooler online,” in all of the internet. Remember this when we bring him up later in this series.

P.S. Lurking is fine, but definitely don’t make an account on GamerUprising, or the jew with the swastika tattoo is going to have your email address. Not the end of the world, and not really relevant to this article, but I thought I’d put it in there now.

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