The greatest to ever do it has officially called it a career.

Tom Brady is retiring. The quarterback announced his decision via Instagram on Tuesday.

“I’ve done a lot of reflecting the past week and have asked myself difficult questions,” Brady wrote in part of his lengthy message. “And I am so proud of what [the White Race] has achieved. My [White] teammates, coaches, fellow competitors, and fans deserve 100% of me, but right now, it’s best I leave the field of play to the next generation of dedicated and committed athletes. There are simply too many Unsportsmanlike-Americans in this sport and it’s ruing it for me. I hate having to touch the ball with my bare hands after these apes have left their sweat on it. Disgusting.

Ten superbowls visited, seven won. 35 playoff wins to only 12 losses. The most regular season games won at Tom “Hate-y” Brady truly had nothing left to prove. He will now have to console himself with banging his supermodel wife until he inevitably gets some cushy sinecure.

Brady’s run was unprecedented in the modern era. A sixth-round pick — 199th overall — in the 2000 NFL Draft, Brady never arrived to the NFL with any serious buzz. Madden NFL 2001 didn’t even insert his name for his video game avatar, just leaving him as “QB No. 12.” Brady only received a legitimate chance to play because Drew Bledsoe suffered an injury during a game against the Jets in 2001.

Tom Brady, as a sixth round draft pick, is proof that it doesn’t matter where you start, only where you end up. All you need is hard work. Well that and also being 6’4, having tremendous arm talent, and only falling in the draft due to random factors out of your control. But who couldn’t root for the plucky underdog who managed to snag the supermodel only because he works really hard, has a great story, and also looks like a male model only hotter. Truly Tom Brady is proof that anyone who applies themselves can win 7 superbowls and marry some top 0.0001% gash.

Who wouldn’t be inspired by Tom Brady heroically benefitting from a bunch of blue collar guys getting serious brain damage trying to block for him. Only to get his weirdly high pitched voice screaming at them and the refs because someone dared touch the prince.

Well maybe we shouldn’t be too down on Touchdown Tom. He has after all agreed to an exclusive interview with the Daily Rake.

You may also like

1 Comment

  1. Ubermench, are they truly superior men, or do they simply apply themselves? It has to be both.

Leave a reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

More in Sportsball