Amazon’s Kangz of the Rangz Prequel Shows Mastery of Tolkein’s Original Source Material

When reading the Lord of the Rings books as a child, I always liked the part where the Gandalf clapped back at Sauron by doing a drive by while blaring gangster rap. A close second would be when Frodo and his afro started screaming “where dem whyte bitches be at,” in the middle of the Shire party in the first act before breakdancing. And while I think it’s overrated, the moment when the ents all corner and destroy Emperor Palpatine on behalf of International Finance Capital is an instant classic.

Just thinking about it is bringing back so many fond memories from my childhood. I remember me and all my friends read and then re-read together the part where Frodo, Sam, Mary, Pippin, and Aragorn are all having a text convo together over WhatsApp, where they’re talking mad shit on Galadriel and Aragorn implies that her hair is all extensions. It’s comedy gold, but I was really worried that maybe Amazon wouldn’t perfectly capture the spirit of the original work that we all know and love.

I’m thrilled to say that the trannies of colour at Amazon have taken their stewardship of this great literary work to heart, and faithfully reproduced it. And by reproduced it, I mean they shoved negroes everywhere. For example, here’s a black dwarf, because why not?

And then they really mix it up by having this black guy be an elf, I think. In Peter Jackson’s version, you could tell who elves were by looking at them, but that wasn’t true to Tolkein’s original vision. I distinctly remember reading about tons of blue eyed black elves pretty much constantly throughout those momentous tomes.

As far as the trailer goes, they start off running, with some mulattoes mumbling some mystical music. 

Speak your truth, 

You already know.

Searchin’ mine,

It’s written in gold.

Don’t say no,

Did it all for god.

Who would – 

Look I have no fucking idea what they start saying after a while. I’m just going to fill in the blanks and try my best.

Who took my weave,

I know it was you bitch.

And you should know,

You a stupid ho.

Twerk for freedom,

Orc Lives Matter.

Okay, that’s not actually what they’re saying, but I don’t think the mulatto minstrel performers even know what they were supposed to be saying. It sounds exactly like when I was a child and had to sing along with the class some songs that I didn’t really know the lyrics to, so I just started making noises that sound vaguely like speech.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that this fits perfectly into the established Tolkein lore, where the singers regularly forgot the lyrics to what they were singing, and just sort of winged it. Frodo does this most notably with the crack dealers that he meets when going through a Wendy’s drive through. Shamefully, Peter Jackson skipped this pivotal scene in his horrible film adaptations of Tolkein’s Majestic World. Again, fuck you Peter, this is what we should have gotten.

As for the content of the writing, I think this pretty much sums it up.

One thing we can do, better than any creature in all of Middle Earth, we stay true to each other, with our hearts, even bigger than our feet.

Such poetic writing.

This is exactly the kind of maudlin melodramatic writing that Tolkein was known and loved for. Who could forget that pivotal scene in The Fellowship of the Ring when Sam’s weave falls out just before the party at the shire, and then Frodo picks it up, and says that Sam is a fat retard who’s nowhere near the kang that he is. And then Frodo flashes his bling at Sam.

Only it’s the ring of power, so a ringwraith shows up and he’s all like “nuh uh y’all di-n’t,” and Frodo wags his finger and he’s like “mmm hmm nu yuah we did yooo,” and then the nazgul is like “you bettah get ready to bring it,” and Gandalf shows up and he’s like “oh it’s already been a-broughtin’ yo.” And then they do a dance battle and the hobbits are all really warm and loving, and it’s just such a beautiful pastoral scene that establishes what Frodo and Sam are saying goodbye to when they leave the hood in the rearview mirror.

This was spiritually identical to that scene. Unfortunately, they cast a White actor, even though everyone knows that hobbits are all perm-Americans. At least they tried blackwashing his face with some dirt.

All in all, it looks fantastic, and by the looks of things I’m not alone in my enthusiastic enjoyment of Jeff Bezos’ Kangz of the Rangz interpretation. 

Some comments worth highlighting. First, the top comment, still up as of time of writing.

V. Lighting
When Galadriel pulled out her lightsaber and said, “Wakanda forever” sent shivers up my spine. Tolkien couldn’t have written anything better

Drawde Nivalf Maccor
I love when the elves hear whistling, they start running yelling “Sauron coming ya’ll”, then Sauron pulls up with the shotgun under his coat. Classic Tolkien right there.

Jet
When Galadriel was cat-called and became She-Hulk I knew this was not only stunning but also brave.

AD
Evil can’t create. It can only twist what already exists. This is how Elves became Orcs. This is how Tolkien became Amazon.

thefunder1
I loved the part where the activist single mom shouted “orc lives matter”

Cowan Sim Gaming
Anyone else get hired to like this video?

It’s truly a stunning and brave interpretation of Tolkein’s original work. And yet, it really deserves all the awards. Not just film and television awards, I mean all of them. If this show doesn’t win the presidential medal of freedom and justice, then I’m quitting Reddit forever.

Sadly, some little dicked White Supremacists have downvoted the video seventeen thousand times. I can only hope that the cast of colour survives this literal genocide.