A Republican running for an Arizona college district’s governing board suspended his campaign Tuesday, two weeks after he was arrested for allegedly masturbating outside a preschool at one of the colleges he was hoping to represent.
I am hoping for humanities sake that he went there to go jerk off to the college girls, and the preschool is totally incidental.
Police found candidate Randy Kaufman on Oct. 4 parked outside the child center at Rio Salado College with his pants down to his mid-thigh and “manipulating his genitals in a masturbatory manner,” according to a police report.
Kaufman was in full view of the campus’s Wirtzie’s Preschool and Child Care Center, where several preschool-age children were playing outside, the report said.
Unfortunately, Randy Kaufman wasn’t just masturbating on some grounds that happened to be a preschool. There were kids there, and for all we know he was staring them down while he jerked his little middle eastern penis.
POV: You’re an adorable toddler playing with your friends.
Frankly, even if he didn’t go there to jerk off to the children, you’d think that the mere presence of toddlers would wilt his boner. It would to any normal man.
“Seriously?” the officer said upon finding the Republican playing with himself.
“I’m sorry,” Kaufman allegedly told the officer. “I f–ked up. I’m really stressed.”
I’ve written so much on ClownWorld that I’ve become somewhat inured to it. And yet once again I have found myself thunderstruck. It’s the thought process that gets me. He got caught jerking off to a bunch of toddlers, so is he going for comic understatement? I don’t know if “oh golly gosh darnit officer I’ve found myself in quite the pickle,” is an appropriate response when a police officer catches you walking through a playground with your cock out.
And then he follows this up with “I’m stressed.” Was this really the best excuse that he could come up with to excuse the whole “jerking off on a playground,” thing? Or was he honestly so overcome with life that he felt he needed a nice public jerkoff session to calm his nerves?
Kaufman said he was out buying rebar nearby but was so stressed out that he pulled into the lot to relieve himself without realizing what the lot was for.
He was so stressed buying rebar that he had to, just absolutely had to pull into a preschool and start jerking off. Look, I don’t have any special window into the mind of a pedophile. Maybe when you start getting sexually aroused by children that comes with a lot of other weird psychological issues, as a sort of package deal. Even then, surely you can want to rape children while also having the self-discipline to not be so overwhelmed with the herculean task of buying rebar that you just can’t wait until you get home to jerk off to kids.
I’m not buying this rebar story, but NY Post doesn’t help us amateur Sherlocks out, because they never mention it again. If he didn’t have any rebar in his truck, then that’s that. If he did, then maybe he really was stressed out and needed to hit up the local playground. Either way it’s messed up, but a small part of me yearns to know.
The alleged pervert quit his campaign Tuesday to be on the Maricopa County Community College Governing Board after media reports detailing the arrest were circulated, 12 News reported. The panel oversees 10 colleges, including the one Kaufman was caught fondling himself in.
Kaufman admitted to watching “interracial porn” and masturbating in his Ford truck, which was parked across three parking spaces, but claimed he did not realize how close he was to the preschool.
Kaufman you ****ing weirdo. Buddy over here goes out of his way to watch fetish porn within site of a playground. At least he had the decency to keep himself in his car, and not expose his pecker to these kids, horribly traumatizing them for the rest of their lives.
Despite his campaign suspension, Kaufman’s name will still appear on the ballot, CBS 3 reported.
In a statement about his suspended campaign, Kaufman didn’t address the arrest but said he “will never stop fighting to protect the United States Constitution and the values that make America the greatest country in the world,” according to Huffington Post.
Kaufman went on to say “I believe as a hebrew pervert with pedophilic tendencies and weird fetishes I embody the true spirit of America.” Our trusted sources tell us that he’s not wrong. And don’t forget, he’s got a spot in the Republican Party, no matter how small, and you don’t.
Modern America moment.
This gu shouldn’t withdraw. He’s now the archetype representative of Conservatism.