A few days ago I was on the Randbot stream. I got summoned there accidentally. It’s a long story, but you can find that here. As I said in that article, I barely had any idea who Ethan Ralph was in the first place, only remembering him vaguely from the Killstream debates sometime around 2017 on YouTube.

To find out more about this character I reached out to the autists on poast. I was “helpfully,” given the link to a Kiwifarms thread on him by an adoring reader, AlphaNiner. 

I used Kiwifarms a lot in my work on Fuentes, so it was nice to see they had a lot of material on Ethan Ralph of Ralph Retort. Except hold on a second. How many pages is that?


Kill me now if I’m expected to do a PHd on this guy just for a few articles. 3,600+ pages might be the single longest forum thread I have ever seen. And the worst part is they locked that one this past December, so the most relevant parts aren’t there.

I’ll have a user poast with a more detailed analysis, but it all boils down to him being the former king of the gutter of the internet. This was the shitty part of the interwebz that I never paid much attention to. I guess that’s the kind of thing I would have possibly paid attention to back when I was a teenager, although even then, I’m not so sure. I’ve never been a big fan of e-retard fights. It’s like bad movies. It’s rare to have a movie that is legitimately so bad it’s funny, and it’s rare to see two spergs going at it being anything other than a cringe inducing waste of time.

Speaking of cringe inducing, here’s a vid I found of Ethan Ralph himself explaining the origin of the term “Ralph Retort.” 

Ralph: Now I could go old lore, really old lore from the first iteration of the killstream and actually reveal what a Ralph Retort is. Should I do that?

Oh please Mr. Ralph, be my guest.

A Ralph Retort, I’ve told this story before. Actually I believe Janet Bloomfield (who?) gave it the term Ralph Retort. Uh so basically I told this story about this girl who was sucking my dick.

I was not prepared for the visual image of Ethan Ralph having sex to enter my mind. Thanks for that.

You know really on the town with it. You know sloppy. A lot of spit everywhere and stuff.

No please, get as gory with this as you need Mr. Ralph. 

And uh, for some reason I couldn’t like, I wasn’t cumming. So she had been sucking my dick for a while. And so she started going crazy with it, going really hard with it. And she all of a sudden, you know she started gagging as you do.

You know what this story needs is more details, specifically of the bodily fluids. I haven’t lived a full life until I’ve had a visceral mental image of 5’1 Ethan Ralph holding up his obese stomach so some poor crackhead with no hair can suck his chode. Maybe we should get some vomit in here or something.

And then she just vomited all over my stinking cock and it was basically everywhere.

Oh okay. Right on schedule. Well you’d certainly think that’d be the end of the blowjob, for both sides. Hard to stay in the mood when you have the sight and smell of vomit wafting up at you. To say nothing of the poor woman who just threw up. 

So let me guess. She’s going to stop and then he’s going to say something incredibly cruel and callous, like “does it look like I came.” And then this will be the Ralph Retort. 

Yes, she did that. But she did not stop with the blowjob. She continued going with the blowjob, until I came. Dedication. True dedication. 

I could make the joke that the type of person willing to suck Ethan Ralph’s penis is probably not turned off by vomiting halfway through. I mean it’s pretty much par for the course. But in reality, I don’t believe any of this. 

And Janet christened that a Ralph Retort. 

Unless the video I was watching subtly edited his speech, this doesn’t follow. How did Ralph retort in any way? A woman vomited while giving him a blowjob, and then continued. He remained silent the entire time.

Of course all of this supposes that this is even real, which I don’t believe that it is. This story doesn’t sound real, unless the woman is a bottom 0.001% crackwhore. Instead, it sounds like something I might have made up as a fourteen year old trying to pretend that I had my dick sucked by my Australian girlfriend who I for some reason have no pictures of. 

Apparently there is a sextape of Ethan Ralph, dating back all the way to 2016. As if the mental image of him not simply being naked but actually having sex isn’t bad enough, the description of the act is truly horrific. Let me go and find that poast someone sent me. Ah, here we go, from user WashedOutGundamPilot.

In [the sex tape], he’s on his back, giant paunch wobbling to and fro, and in a master stroke of guntiness, he sticks his thumb into –

I’m going to spare my dear audience the horror of reading what I wrote, but just imagine something particularly vulgar and disgusting. Trust me, it’s even worse than you think. Start with normal perversion, and then kick it up a notch. 

And then have it involve this guy.

Which reminds me. I couldn’t find any pictures of him online that showed off his Godlike physique. What I could find instead is a bunch of pictures of him smoking a cigar like he’s some sort of 1920’s pimp.

This fits with the tryhard persona that others have ascribed to him, and which leapt off the screen when I watched that video shown above. There was speculation from Randbot and others that he got jumped in Portugal because he is incapable of not doing ostentatious and gaudy displays of wealth. At the time he was proudly walking around with his manpurse. The combination of being a soft, doughy faggot with lots of money is not exactly making yourself mugging proof.

That Nigger Rich personality that advertises himself as a great target for street crimes is also quite offputting to me for everything else. I don’t appear to be alone here, so how did this guy ever get to be a bigtime e-boy? Once again user InceptionState has the rundown.

Right, I should have added a paragraph of introduction for how he got to the point where he could have a livestream with 10k+ viewers and a bunch of somewhat well-known guests (including a Sam Hyde cameo).

My understanding of livestreaming is that 10k+ viewers is quite the big deal. So while livestreaming is not exactly Game of Thrones, I’m not hallucinating him being e-successful, at least at one point.

Basically Ralph hosted the backyard wrestling equivalent of YouTube debates via livestream, Internet Blood Sports (IBS). He would get a couple of spergs on, and let them go at it with minimal moderation. Jim / Mister Metokur found this funny and helped provide quite a bit of the initial traction for the streams. Personalities would form beefs and get into screaming matches with each other, and it was just an all-around dumpster fire.

I’d heard of that guy before, and instantly recognized his voice. He was a talented YouTuber who got censored, despite being in that halfway between alt-right and alt-lite sphere, where he was definitely a gateway, rather than gatekeeper. The guy was also hilarious, and it was odd hearing his voice in what seemed like an event too low class for him to partake in. It’d be a bit like if two e-tards in this subculture decided to have a $1,000 boxing fight, and then Canelo Alvarez showed up. 

This culminated with two of the biggest tards in this subculture, Andy Warski and Tonka, agreeing to settle their differences with an actual fight at an amateur event in Knoxville, Tennessee. Tonka didn’t show so it was a victory for Warski by default. This attracted a lot of attention, including from e-celebs higher up the food chain like Keemstar, and led to Ralph hosting a charity stream called the “Healstream” which didn’t quite go as planned.

Speak of the devil. It’s almost like I cheat and read ahead. Anyway InceptionState continues in another poast.

The peak was the Healstream which was honestly pretty funny. He hosted a bunch of alt-right guys for a YouTube marathon that turned into a Holocaust debate, raised $50k or something for St. Jude’s Hospital. Only issue was that some D-list internet journalists raised a stink, St. Jude’s refused the money, and YouTube banned Ralph.

Apparently this was November 2018. And yes, it is hilarious that a lampshadocaust fact-checking event was used to raise money for a children’s hospital. 

Then he had a sort of digital refugee arc, where he went from streaming platform to streaming platform, shedding viewers along the way, as no one wanted to deal with his shit. This involved all sorts of gay drama that I didn’t pay attention to, and allegedly a bunch of pill and alcohol abuse. Then he popped up again recently after getting a BPD teenager pregnant, starting a custody/paternity feud with her family, and then shacking up with some F-list eceleb and getting her pregnant as well.

Then he went on a trip to Portugal to “own” Andy Warski where he got mugged and lost his $1,000 Gucci man-purse and it ended up on Portuguese Craigslist. This was the final straw, and Ralph’s most dedicated orbiters are finally jumping ship, leading to the disaster of a stream today.

What I’m about to say may needs a little nuance. I regularly appear on Randbot’s streams, information on which you can find here, every Saturday. I don’t dislike streamers, or look down on them. There is skill involved when it comes to streaming, even though it’s 95+% other people’s content. In many ways it’s similar to writing articles. Sometimes I find material that simply writes itself, and can farm some easy content.

I constantly edit, and re-edit my articles because the first time is usually not nearly good enough. And as someone who has appeared on a few livestream now, I don’t think I’m terrible, but hitting that right blend between being entertaining, and trying to get your point across can be quite difficult live on air. Beyond that, the mere act of talking to people for hours while remaining entertaining is challenging. We all give Joe Rogan a lot of shit, but there’s a reason that he has the world’s most popular podcast, and while the show is controlled now, it’s original growth was organic.

Having said all that, since the job is mostly about finding the right content made by other people, you’d better be really damn sure that you’re worth following all on your own. Ralph inexplicably appears to have gotten an ego almost as large as his pot belly. Despite obviously being the definition of a Right Place, Right Time guy, Ralph appears to believe that he is entitled an audience, right until the moment his liver fails on air.

It’s hard for me to write much more, since I can’t even find any highlights of him saying anything witty or clever, no matter how hard I try. Just disgusting and probably fake garbage about a crackwhore vomiting on his pecker. For all Joe Rogan’s talent, he will leave very little behind, since it’s hard to have some sort of deep insights, or witty sketches in a live show. But at least Joe is actually talented. 

Ethan Ralph appears to have chased away or outright fired anyone who was actually entertaining, and now that his show isn’t hot anymore, it’s hard to see how he maintains an audience. We’re a long way from the Sam Hyde guest appearance, and it’s a rough thing to admit that you’ve peaked.

I’m not sure what lesson children are supposed to learn from the Ethan Ralph story. Maybe it’s to not brag about imaginary sexual exploits, since people won’t believe you. Maybe it’s to not be a huge asshole to everybody around you. Maybe it’s to not wear expensive attire, replete with your fashionable manpurse in dangerous areas. Maybe it’s to not film yourself having sex, and then stick your th-

No, I promised we weren’t going to get into that one, and we aren’t. In any case, I don’t really know. Maybe it’s just pure entertainment to watch a shitty person get their comeuppance. Watching Ethan Ralph’s trajectory, complete with the homemade amateur pornography is like the low-rent version of Lindsay Lohan becoming a crack addict and getting a DUI. It’s like I’m sad, but also have a boner.

Uh, I mean.

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1 Comment

  1. Ethan Ralph is the king of content, put some respect on his name

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