The Discerning Aryan Supremacist’s Guide to the Superbowl

Recently it has come to my attention that the Superbowl is happening. In fact it is tomorrow. I have been roped into watching in my personal life, but I have devised a way to make the game entertaining. We must figure out a way to decide which team represents the “Hard Working Americans” Race, and then cheer for them.

We have two teams to pick from, the Los Angeles Rams, versus the Cincinnati Bengals, and I have figured out some criteria to help us pick. First, each White player is worth at least one point. Star players are worth up to 10 points, depending on starhood. I will also award a bonus point or two for a White Player at a non-traditional position, cornerback being the most obvious. Coaches aren’t worth anything, but black coaches subtract up to 10 points, depending on position. Owners being dirty jews will also factor in negatively, as will any sort of pro-BLM horseshit that I see from either of these teams. I’ll quantify that later.

The Rams roster can be found here, and the Bengals here. Only active players are counted.

With that I found 21.5 White Players on the Rams active roster, compared to just 13 for the Bengals. If you’re wondering how I got 21.5, I counted the half-Asian, half-White Taylor Rapp for the Rams as a half. Because frankly, in this context, I think that’s worth half a point. Even though he’s ugly and weird looking.

TOTAL POINTS AFTER RAW TOTALS – Rams: 21.5, Bengals: 13.

At first glance it appears the Los Angeles Rams are running away with this. Let’s take a closer look at the non-traditional position bonuses. Since we typically expect White Players to be linemen, tight ends, or special teamers any other positions will get a bonus of some type for challenging racial gender norms or whatever.

After some 300 lbs beeftank offensive lineman we stumble upon Jake Funk, Rams backup running back. I’m not the guy to ask, but I think he might be the only non-Christian McCaffrey White Running back in the entire league. I award the rams +5 bonus points. The Rams also have two White safeties, Jake Gervase and Eric Weddle. White safeties aren’t unheard of, but it’s still a defensive back position, so +1 for both. They have Cooper Kupp and Ben Skowronek as Wide Receivers, which I’ll give +2 for both. It’s unusual to have one White WR, let alone two. Sean McVay was asked about this in the offseason and was quoted as saying,

If I have the opportunity to keep a White Player on the roster over a Basketball-American, I’m going with the White Player every time. – Sean McVay

We applaud that commitment to Whiteness from Sean, and award the WR position a x2 multiplier, bringing the total to +8 for the group. I also retroactively give a x2 multiplier for the safeties. That gives the rams a grand total of +17 bonus points.

As would be expected from the less White team, the Bengals simply get fewer bonuses, having fewer White Players to get those bonuses from. However, I did find out that their two starting defensive ends are both White. This isn’t unheard of, but most White defensive lineman play DT. Apparently their coach, Zac Taylor, was quoted in the offseason saying,

We need to get Whiter at the Defensive End position.

And it appears to be paying off for them. 

I award +2 points for each of these players, and the commitment from the coach speaks volumes, so I’m going to x2 that award to +8. The Bengals also have not one, but two White receivers, just like the Rams, in Trent Taylor and Trenton Irwin. I award +2 points for each, with the “committment to Whiteness multiplier,” of x2, for another +8 points. That brings the Bengals total to +16.

TOTAL POINTS AFTER POSITIONAL BONUSES ADDED – Rams: 37.5, Bengals: 29

Now we get to star power. After all, most players don’t really matter that much in the grand scheme of things. For the Rams the starting quarterback, Matthew Stafford, is White. QB is important, so that’s +10 Rams. 

Turns out that Matty Stafford’s wife is an absolute rocket, and the couple has four White children together, all girls.

I award the Rams an additional +10 points for this. Kelly Stafford has been quoted as saying,

When I feel my husband’s seed in my unprotected womb during ovulation, I know we’re doing our part for the White Race. I’m addicted to being bred and feeling his –

Okay I’m stopping it there. She actually said a lot more, but it got super graphic and we’re trying to save you from that. 

Next up, the man who needs no introduction is Cooper Kupp. A White Wide Receiver who not only plays “out of position,” but wins the receiving triple crown, and offensive player of the year? Consider that the easiest +10 I’ve given out yet. And that’s not even factoring in how shockingly racist he was in our private correspondence.

Actually, he gets another +10 points for being blonde haired and blue eyed. Just cause.

The last star White Player for the Rams is Andrew Whitworth. The oldest lineman in the league, and a multiple time pro-bowler in addition to the Walter Payton (Aryan) Man of the Year winner. An easy +5 points for the rams. That brings to total Aryan Star Power bonus for the Rams to +45. Quite the achievement. Let’s see if the Bengals can match that.

The bengals have a star young White QB in Joe Burrow, so it’s an easy +10 points there. I couldn’t decide who was more of a star, Burrow of Stafford, so I think +10 for each is reasonable. Since we gave Matty Stafford +10 points for breeding his Aryan Waifu four times, let’s see what Burrow’s banging. 

Apparently he has a GF named Olivia Holzmacher. German name? +2 points. Absolutely adorable, and not in a whorish way? +3 points. 

Bluzz:

CINCINNATI Bengals’ quarterback Joe Burrow clearly loves the game of football, but it turns out he’s got another love.

He’s been with his girlfriend, Olivia Holzmacher, since at least 2017 and they have a sweet, but lowkey romance.

Now that is just adorable. Burrow discretely banging some kitty on the side, but still being a loving and caring boyfriend to a sweet young girl gets him a solid +5 points. Way to be a role model to young men everywhere Joe.

Actually, hold on a sec.

Five years of being with that sweet breeding age cunny and no White Babeh? For shame Joe. -5 points unless she turns up to the Superbowl barefoot and preggers. So that’s only +5 points bonus for the GF. I could be convinced to go higher with this Joey, but I need to see that baby first.

We also have the aforementioned DE’s Sam Hubbard and Trey Hockinson for the Bengals. They’re not exactly defensive player of the year candidates, but I’ll give them +2 and +3 star power bonus points respectively.

That gives the Bengals a grand total of +20 Aryan Star Power Point.

TOTAL POINTS AFTER ARYAN STAR POWER BONUSES ADDED – Rams: 82.5, Bengals: 49

It’s not looking so hot for the Bengals, but maybe they can make up for it with the Coaching.

Well both head coaches are White, but Sean McVay is Visibly Whiter than Zac Taylor, so I’m adding a +1 bonus point, but no more. However, Zac Taylor took over from a black coach, Marv Lewis, so he gets +10 bonus points for that. Having said that, Taylor was only hired because he used to work for Sean McVay, and everybody who gets a cup of coffee with McVay gets hired. So I’m giving McVay partial credit for that, at +5 points himself.

Since both head coaches are White, that’s a +10 for each team.

Taking a look at defensive coordinators we see our first turd in the punchbowl. The Rams Defensive Coordinator is Raheem Morris, and needless to say, this was an easy -10. 

Lou Anarumo in contrast, is very HuWhyte. An easy +5 for the Bengals.

However the Chadlike Kevin O’Connell is the Rams offensive coordinator, and I saw people whining online that he was hired as the head coach of the Minnesota Vikings this offseason, instead of some black coach. I’ll be reasonable and give +5 for him being White, and another +5 for him cucking a black person out of a job and causing anti-White butthurt online.

Rounding out the coordinators is this guy, and I honestly can’t even remember his name even though I just looked him up. Whatever, he’s White, so +5 points for Griffendor. Adding it all up we get +16 points for the Rams, and +30 for the Bengals. I smell a comeback!

TOTAL POINTS AFTER COACHING WHITENESS ASSESSED – Rams: 98.5, Bengals: 79

Ownership, our last category. I was absolutely positively certain that Rams owner Stan Kroenke was a jew. Apparently I was wrong, as the emphatic answers from many sources was that he absolutely positively was not a jew. He’s still a spiritual jew, but we’ll get into that below. 

Bengals owner Mike Brown is also not a jew. Frankly he’s just some generic rich guy, and it’s hard to find out much about him. 

NBC News did a breakdown of both owners political donations. Apparently Mike Brown is “far right.” Sure. More likely he donates to Republicans so they do absolutely nothing for the little peasants and instead give him tax breaks. Kroenke appears to be more of an active player, giving to both parties and making sure that both parties do what he wants at everybody else’s expense. Honestly, I’m giving both -10 points, because they both donate for the same reason.

So how did they get rich? Well Mike Brown got rich purely through inheritance, so -10 points. In contrast, Stan Kroenke was born poor and seduced the Walmart heiress, Ann Walton. I think that’s hilarious, so I’m giving him +10 points.

However, Mike Brown being a worthless blob is relatively innocuous as a billionaire. In contrast, Stan Kroenke is a huge asshole who actively fucks over the little people. An example would be him moving the team to LA from St. Louis. -10 points for Kroenke. 

Lastly, their net worth is around $12 billion for Kroenke, and $925 million for Brown. I don’t even know if I should add or subtract points for that. Let me think for a bit and do some math. Okay so I’m subtracting five points from Mike Brown for being a rich asshole, and precisely 34 points from Stan Kroenke, because of the Spiritual Jew Factor and because he’s just a gigantic asshole.

The net total for the Rams is -44, and -25 for the Bengals.

OBJECTIVE MEASUREMENT OF ARYANNESS FOR EACH TEAM – Rams: 54.5, Bengals 54.

My objective and scientific measurement of each team is now over, with a shockingly close result. The Rams have more White Players by a lot, and definitely more star White Players. Also, their star QB manned up and produced some adorable White Babies for the race. However, they have a black coach, and the owner is a Total Jew, even if he’s not actually a jew. In contrast the Bengals are filled to the brim with Basketball-Americans, but their coaching staff is 100% Pure Bavarian Phenotype and their owner is a worthless, but innocuous blob of aristocracy. In the end, the weird looking Asian half-White dude was the tiebreaker.

There are pros and cons for each team. But what’s really important is that you don’t actually care about the superbowl and don’t watch.