I wrote about the “Ghost of Kiev,” horseshit propaganda yesterday. At the time some people had made some pretty funny memes making fun of the whole thing.
In addition to getting sitting US Congressmen to retweet out School Shooter Sam Hyde’s new job.
However we here at Daily Rake have received an exclusive story, straight from the frontlines. We can verify that this is 100% true, with no embellishments. We received this in the form of a screenplay.
SCENE: Three Russian Soldiers are doing a routine patrol in the forest. They’re clearly spooked. Mist covers their feet, and the howls of a lonely tomcat, unable to find a mate, haunt the forest. Their flashlights form a certain glow around them, but are unable to penetrate deep into the misty forest.
Anatoli: What was that?
Sergei: Is it… the Shadow of Kiev?
*There is a momentary pause as all three of them stop to listen.
Evgeni: I didn’t hear anything.
*Evgeni starts moving deeper into the forest.
Evgeni: You guys are so easily spooked. (He adopts a mocking tone). “The Shadow of Kiev”. Please. *laughs. Nothing but an old wives tale.
*The other two soldiers look unhappy with going deeper. They exchange glances.
Anatoli: I don’t know, I thought I heard something.
Evgeni: You’re always hearing something.
Sergei: But Sarge, didn’t the Shadow of Kiev murder over 14,000 of our soldiers just this past week alone?
Anatoli: And we know he haunts these woods in particular.
Evgeni (Angry): Nonsense! We all heard the news reports, straight from Putin. Those soldiers simply all deserted, and then placed extremely lifelike corpses full of organic matter and their own DNA behind to hide their tracks.
Sergei: I don’t know about that Sarge.
Anatoli: That seems like a lot of work.
Evgeni: Are we doubting our glorious leader Vladimir Putin?
Sergei and Anatoli: OF COURSE NOT!
*Evgeni looks displeased, but his brow clears. And then he chuckles.
Evgeni: Are you two widdle babbies afwaid of ghosts?
*It should be noted, the soldiers here are speaking perfect English, but with Russian accents for some reason.
Evgeni: Are my two widdle Whyte Supreemacist Super Soldiers afwaid of a widdle Ukrainian hoax?
*Evgeni is doing this way over the top. Like, tens of thousands of people have already been murdered by this crack baby, but in typical horror movie fashion he has to go about this in the absolute most over the top way so as to make sure to mark himself as first to die.
Sergei: No, sir.
Evgeni: Good, then let-
Anatoli: Sarge, behind you!
*Branches rustle and snap in the distance. Through the fog it’s difficult to make it out, but something is moving. Something is coming through the brush. The camera pans to the soldiers, and even Evgeni shows fear.
Just then, a shape burst out from the shrubbery and becomes illuminated by their flashlights. There is a moment of silence, as their hearts race.
Evgeni: A boar. You were worried about a boar.
*In a masterful, Cameronesque stroke of filmmaking, the tension has been partially relieved. The bar has been set, and must now go higher.
Because he knows he’s in a movie, Evgeni walks towards the boar, but looks over his shoulder the entire time. He leans down to pick up the boar. Which, BTW, is almost but not quite out of range of their flashlights.
Evgeni: Big strong men afraid of little pig.
*Sergei and Anatoli look at each other. Then, with some effort, they start laughing. Soon the laugh becomes more genuine, and they have a good go of it. Evgeni walks the last few steps over to the boar.
Evgeni: Yeah I’ve got your Shadow of Kiev right h-
*A high pitched screeching noise almost shatters their eardrums as something tiny and black leaps out from the brush, snags Evgeni, and drags him off screaming into the bush. His flashlight was dropped where it was. After just a few seconds his screaming stops, some ways in the distance.
The surprise had knocked both Anatoli and Sergei to the ground, and they exchange one quick glance at each other before they start running. As they run they hear the screams of the Shadow of Kiev in the distance. At first they can’t make out what it’s saying, but as it gets closer to them they start to make out the horrifying sound. It’s not screeching. It’s just saying shiiieeeeeeeeeet in a high pitched baby voice.
Anatoli trips over a log, he reaches out to Sergei to save him, but Sergei takes one look back at the murky, dark forest and leaves. The camera pans to Anatoli’s face, although really what was Sergei supposed to do? I mean he could have just gotten up, but whatever.
The camera now follows Sergei’s desperate scramble. In the distance we hear another scream, presumably Anatoli’s, as Sergei goes deeper and deeper into the forest. Quick, sweeping cuts indicate his confusion. He’s made a wrong turn somewhere.
As he unwittingly heads deeper and deeper into the forest, the fog appears to be growing thicker, and the tree roots gnarlier. He can barely see anything even with his flashlight, and finally he trips, he flashlight flying out of his hand as he flails about.
In a desperate attempt, and with muscles burning, he decides to wait in the relative darkness. He closes his eyes as he can hear the creature come closer. Not just from the snapping of sticks underneath its little tiny feet, but from it’s constant muttering of “muhfugga muhfugga,” possibly as a form of echolocation.
Suddenly, Sergei feels something hot and bright on his face. The unmistakable feeling of a flashlight. He has been found. With some hesitation, and turning his head slightly, he forces himself to open his eyes.
What he sees is a diaper clad baby with an enlarged rear twerking as it chants “muhfugga.” But worse than that, he sees Anatoli and Evgeni, their eyes pure blue light, their mouths open, but not moving in time with the words that are spoken through their mouths.
Evgeni: Come with us Sergei.
Anatoli: Come and be one with the jannies.
Sergei: What has happened to you?
Evgeni: The crackbaby has freed us.
Anatoli: He twerks for liberal democracy.
Evgeni: And the rules based international order.
Sergei: I’ll never join you. You disgust me.
*Anatoli and Evgeni draw closer, and Sergei’s eyes are cast down to their crotches. He looks on with horror.
Sergei: No. No it can’t be.
Evgeni: Stop being such a little trannyphobe Sergei.
Evgeni: God he’s so judgemental.
*All of this is spoken in the angelic voice that they now speak with.
*They move towards him, powertools in hand as the Shadow of Kiev continues to twerk for democracy.
Sergei: No, no. Noooooooo!
*Sergei tries to fight them off, but they’re too strong, and impervious to pain. The last we see is him screaming the same short, intense scream as the others. Finally, the Shadow of Kiev speaks.
Shadow of Kiev: Muhfugga shieeet. Homies be all up tight in dis cracka.
And with that the woodland creatures come out, happy that Liberal Democracy has been saved from Vladimir Putin once again.
We believe we are in possession of the only picture of the Shadow of Kiev.
Look, it might not be real, but as we found out yesterday, as long as it’s a cool story, you should totally pretend to believe it. That’s what wins wars, is retarded propaganda that literally has no effect on the world. Stockpiling weaponry and building redundant bases are all completely unnecessary, which is why Ukraine didn’t bother doing any of them.
But don’t worry. As long as enough of us believe in the Crackbaby of Kiev, Ukraine will start winning the war. So get to believing goyim.