It should be well known that anyone who wants to contact me can do so with the email given on the About Page. I check every 48 hours or so, and when I did so today I noticed a funny little email. Isabel, at TevMedia, wants to publish her work the site.

Hi, how are you?

We love your website!
I would like to know if you accept Guest post Articles!!!
For some reason there was a gigantic space before the text started. No, this isn’t a protonmail thing, this was intentional. Isabel was simply so excited at the prospect of working for The Daily Rake that she hit that enter key once and then just kept on going.
The article will be written according to your website’s content and in the same language of course, written by native writers!
Articles written in English! Golly gosh darnit I wasn’t expecting to be spoiled like this. Let’s not make a habit of this or pretty soon I’ll be demanding that I get fed grapes while ladyboys fan me.
I would be extremely happy to work with you!
Nothing makes me more enthusiastic than people who want to write articles in English as opposed to Bulgarian, so the feeling is mutual.
If that’s possible, please let me know and I will send you some examples of recently published articles so you can see how we work.
Thanks and have an excellent day!

Kind Regards,

Isabel · Outreach Specialist
Tev Media

I certainly will let you know Isabel. In the meantime let’s take a look at the attached images.

Luxury yachting experiences? That’s pretty much the entire focus of this site. I’m really happy when people take a cursory glance at our work here, and only contact us if they’re a good fit.

As for Tev Media, I got three different companies. The first one, pictured above, is a filmmaking corporation that specializes in food and beverage brands. If that doesn’t scream Daily Rake, I don’t know what does. 

The second corporation, TevMedia without the space, specializes in helping brands define themselves. I’m not sure how relevant that is, since it’s pretty well known that 100% of what we do here is food pics on luxury yachts, but we can always use some consulting to make sure we’re always on message.

The third company, tevMedia with a lower case T, works to connect the diversity of Bergen County. Look, I don’t know what to say here. I’ve lost track of the number of diverse parties I’ve thrown on yachts in Bergen County while taking pictures of food. If only I had some way of taking better food pics, on more yachts and with more diversity I could really tap into that human bandwidth and use best practices to lower the data driven latencies of invention.

Isabel · Outreach Specialist
Tev Media

Isabel is a hawt Latvian broad with an absolutely monstrous talent for social media connectivity. I can still barely believe that she wants to write for my site. I couldn’t pass up this opportunity, so I wrote her back. 

 Transcript below.

My Dearest Isabel,
When I put out the call for guest writers, I was thinking of none other than Latvian based outreach specialists who work in luxury yachting experiences. I was getting desperate. Then my desperation turned to despondence. And then one day Isabel, glorious Isabel, pops into my life with the most splendorous of announcements. My site, my humble site, will be blessed with your work.
There is no need for you to send me examples of recently published articles. And yet, may I be so bold as to admit that I sit here enthralled, enraptured, entranced, awaiting confirmation of your unmatched genius. I want to see these articles not to assure their quality, but rather to bathe in them, to bask in the transcendence of your wisdom. Every word on the technicalities of luxury yachting will no doubt strike my mind and echo there, not once, but for eternity. 
I often have felt sad when finishing a great work. But I am quite positive, nay, absolutely certain, that when my journey through the majestic intellectual maze of your words at last comes to an end I will be satisfied. I will recline in my chair, my eyes closed, my lips pursed together. And then I will open my eyes and look outside through the open window, feeling every molecule of warm wind streaming in through the window, smelling the sweet scent of spring, seeing the idyllic, halcyon sway of the trees, and faintly tasting something pleasant, something my mind can’t quite center, and doesn’t care to.
I will be happy that I have finished your work, not sad that there isn’t more, but with a deep contentment that I feel in my bones. For I have now experienced something thought only to be a myth. Something many men spend their lives chasing, but few if any ever find.
The perfect moment.
Please Isabel, send me these recently published articles. Send them to me now and forever. You are my only hope Isabel, that we may both reach the stars with our feet firmly planted in the ground. Blood and soil, stars and dreams. 
With the most humble of love,
Timothy Coish
Sent with Proton Mail secure email.

I sit here, patiently awaiting them to email me back. And yet as of time of writing I have received no response. None at all. Gives me flashbacks to another piece I wrote way back when.

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1 Comment

  1. Funny as hell and the first actually snigger producing thing I’ve read in at least 3 weeks dammit.
    Actually had some body convulsions as I’m sitting here eating some damn good chicken curry I made myself and I alter the thing every time – this time it rules…again…and so beautiful You need to tell your evil b-movie bad guy friend to park your damn yacht get over here and start snapping pics.

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