We had just wrapped up fifteen minutes of absolutely nothing happening, and I promised we’d move on to the fetish story, which is what I’m referring to the White Woman/Black Elf bit as. But actually, I have to circle back to something two pieces ago, because the last piece made me realize that even less happened than previously realized.

Remember that berry eating orgy? Remember how it got ended by that wolf thingy showing up and scaring the hobbits off? 

Well the Knockoff Female Frodo, who I believe is named Norry, had just been established as a headstrong girl who wasn’t about to be dissuaded by something as silly as adults telling her not to sneak out to forbidden areas. But then, she goes out there, and encounters a wolf. Worse, she brought a whole bunch of snack sized children with her who could have easily all been eaten.

Norry has seen firsthand the effects of her actions, and if not for her own sake, she should be more responsible in the future for the sake of others. Or at least that would be the personal growth she endures if this show wasn’t written by retards. But instead, this doesn’t affect her personality in the slightest.

From Episode 2, which I will be mercifully not covering.

Seriously, nothing has changed. In the next few scenes she’s still the exact same person despite having a fairly realistic near death experience. At the start of the next episode she even goes and pokes a burning guy who fell from outer space. No, I don’t have time to explain, and yes, that’s also incredibly tedious and stupid. But for now I just can’t get over the Wolf Fiasco.

Imagine this was you for a second, and pretend that instead of a weird fantasy wolf thing it was a Grizzly Bear, or even a Black Bear. Let’s say when you were thirteen you snuck out of school to go pick wild blackberries in an area that’s marked off, and you brought a bunch of first graders with you. Halfway through this escapade you spotted Black Bear not even fifty feet from you, and with its track marks right where the first graders currently are, and you all flee the scene in terror. 

Think about the mindset you’d be in when you get back to town. Double that by imagining you had been warned not to do exactly this by your parents, and had just seen firsthand that your disregard for their rules could have lead to the deaths of you and about half a dozen small children.

This is basically what happens to Norry, and in the very next scene we see her in she’s lecturing her parents on how they need to let her go out and explore things. She does this to both parents, and this happens immediately after her run in with the CGI wolf. Like, she ran from the doom monster to her parents to tell them to go fuck themselves for not letting her adventure more.

She doesn’t tell anyone about the wolf either, so it’s not even like the plot gets moved forward. It’s an entirely wasted scene where she has what ought to be a character changing moment, but then doesn’t, even though it’s fucking weird to not at least react somewhat to recklessly endangering the lives of others. Oh and the berries don’t have any plot relevance either. Literally nothing happens.

It might be hard to believe if you haven’t seen this show, but honest to God I’m being nice to Amazon. Or at the very least, I’m trying to show some restraint in terms of what I criticize. I’m leaving plenty of criticism on the table, as commenter Svelt Pelt pointed out under my last piece.

This writing is so bad… you could write an entire article on the lack of artistry in just that first exchange [between Elrond and the veiled elf]. It’s as though the first rule of “show don’t tell” was a remnant of white supremacy they must discard.

I don’t want to pull a “I’m a high falutin playwright and have been writing plays for over 20 years” but I have, and even the plays I wrote at 18 were better than this trash.

>Elrond: Yes, it’s almost as if I didn’t wish to be found. What tidings.

The writer is an incredible fagot the soy dripping off this line is palpable. If your character wants to be antisocial you don’t just have him say it directly. Also we can assume that these elves have rules of decorum and so be well practiced at being polite. So you let Elrond Hubbard simply say “yes m’lady” and the actor can act and you let the audience feel smart for picking up on the implied hostility.

 

I actually did write about that little soyboy line and delivery, but then I edited that out because it didn’t fit the flow of my article. Trust me, Pelt isn’t exaggerating this, it really is that bad, and he’s not wrong in thinking that an entire piece could have been dedicated to that thirty second exchange. Seriously, they tell the actors to deliver things in a Fakespearian accent, and then give them Corporate HR approved lines with no potential for artistry, even if they had re-cast Hugo Weaving himself.

Back to the main plot, we are finally introduced to the Black Elf, and no, I don’t know his name. As if to prove Svelt Pelt incorrect, they “show, don’t tell,” the audience that he’s intelligent by having him walk by these two affable fellows playing a game similar to chess and casually saying “Karais in three moves.”

After the writers masterfully show us, not tell us, that he’s an asshole who enjoys ruining the chess/karais games of random people who never did him any harm he then goes into the bar. The previous interaction has nothing to do with anything. Those guys do not like or dislike him because of this, and they never speak again. The entire thing existed purely so the writers could Show, Don’t Tell, that he’s a real sharp guy. And then the real sharp guy pulls back his hood and reveals his fade.

I’m sorry if you can’t see this correctly in this screencap, but he has a fade. I don’t know who his barber is, but I thought we were dealing with roughly Roman levels of technology here. I guess the elves just have really technologically advanced barbers.

After they see his fade, the entire bar goes quite as he lusts after this single mother. Assuming I ever was paying enough attention to learn then I forgot her name. I’m calling the Black Elf Jequeerus, and the White Single Mother Chastitylynn from here on out. 

Anyway, we then get the Uppity White Person Stand In, the kid seen above, getting silently owned by the Kang Of Colour Stand In, Jequeerus. The above screenshot captures JeQueerus catching a punch the barkeep sent at Young Chad’s face for being Wacist To Elves. Lines such as the following are spoken.

When are you people gonna let it go pointyears?

Anyway after this we get a scene between Chastitylynn and JeQueerus where she gives him some seeds or something. They have this interaction that is just frankly terrible, and wouldn’t show any chemistry even if this wasn’t a weird fetish based relationship. At least you get to see that I wasn’t lying about his fade.

This conversation mercifully ends, but then a nonversation between JeQueerus and the guy on the right begins over Elf-Human Fetish Relationships. This gets interrupted by this Asian Elf bringing news that the war is over, which makes JeQueerus sad, since now he can’t bang Chastitylynn, the single mother. 

So he deserts his company and shows up at her door professing his love. It’s not well written or acted, and gets interrupted almost immediately when some guy brings his cow over to their house that’s shooting blood out of its udder. JeQueerus says he’s going off to Horten, a town about a day away, to investigate, and Chastitylynn says she’s coming with. 

This doesn’t make any sense at all, since she has no particular skills that could be of use in any sort of combat situation. It’s not really clear at all what she’s bringing to the table in any sort of expedition, especially since neither of them appear to pack. Similar to the writers accidentally establishing Norry as a horrible person hobbit harfoot who doesn’t care about endangering the lives of others, having Chastitylynn leave her roughly ten year old son like this to run off with another man establishes her as a horrible mother.

But rest assured, the writers don’t feel that way about their precious characters, even though it’s objectively true for both of them. They even show Chastitylynn’s son and the Young Chad from the bar immediately getting up to no good in the barn by rummaging around for this old sword with Sauron marked on it. It’s boring, and I don’t even care enough to screencap it, but it does show how important it is to not leave your children unattended, unlike Chastitylynn.

I’m too excited that we’re finally at the absolute worst bit of television I have ever seen. Three seconds of infamy that are truly so bad that it’s good. The look, the turn, the leap, the majesty.

But we can’t get ahead of ourselves.

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1 Comment

  1. Thanks for the reviews. I don’t have Amazon but will, one of these months, get their 30 day trial to catch up on ‘The Boys’ and “The Expanse’ and an occasional movie. I can now avoid this drivel and stick to ‘House of Dragons’ for my fantasy fix.

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