Heroic Professional Critic Approved by Rotten Tomatoes Courageously Praises Kangz of the Rangz

The Reader:

You Down With R-O-P? Yeah, It’s No Hot D

The critic, Ryan Syrek, masterfully creates tension and hooks the audience by having them mystified right out of the gate. I don’t know what “Hot D,” is, but I do know, from context, that this is something bad and also something Rangz of the Kangz is not. As a result of figuring this out, I feel intelligent and high status, just like I do when I support BLM, child trannies, or any other Current Thing that trillion dollar multinationals tell me to support.

Relax. Here there be no spoilers: Unless you were previously unaware that George RR Martin loves incest more than he hates deadlines.

When deciding whether to watch Amazon Prime’s “Lord of the Rings: Rings of Power” (ROP) or HBO’s “House of the Dragon” (HotD), simply ask whether or not you get Ancestry.com and Tinder confused.

ROP is a graceful, majestic symphony of grand fantasy themes that finally pushes towards at least minimal basic diversity and inclusivity in its cast. HotD is about banging folks who have most of your DNA.

Hell yeah borther. Look how inclusive Numenor is now that it’s homosexual.

ROP prompts conversations about the intended and unintended evils of colonialism. Someone in HotD masturbates out of a window.

ROP has present day implications about how ignoring smoldering, fascist evil allows it to ignite at any moment. HotD filmed an uncle sleeping with his teenaged niece set to flourishing romantic music.

ROP has a “mystery box” component about the secret identity of one of its characters. HotD had to put out a press release saying, “We made the episode so dark that it was no longer visible on purpose.”

I haven’t seen an episode of House of the Dragon. I have seen a three minute clip online. It involved the girl below, although I forget her characters name. 

She confronted this red-haired girl over something that I can’t remember. I think it was that she was angry she was marrying her dad? I was so bored that I didn’t finish it, and since I don’t remember the characters names I couldn’t find the clip again.

What I did find was this boring and poorly written scene. In it a pre-teen offers the girl who looks like a billy goat his hand in marriage. Then some other guy in the crowd is like “bitch plz,” and calls him “a craven.” Boy Lancelot takes offense to this and they get into a sword fight. Only, instead of the pre-teen losing the he kills the other guy. The clip ends with an over the top shot of the heckler guy who is also some noble blowing out fake blood.

I’m not cherrypicking. This was what I got when I searched for “House of the dragon milly alcock,” who is the billy goat impersonator. Other clips appear no better. Here’s one involving a Targaryen who is Black for some reason.

For a brief moment I thought I might not have enough information to understand how good or bad this scene was. Then the Black Guy starts speaking, and either he’s a bad actor, his direction is awful, or the writing is terrible, because I suddenly felt transported to a sixth grade school play. This was especially noticeable when he said “THAT, is no true Valerian.”

It’s not good, and I let out an involuntary chuckle when he said “her children are… BASTARDS.” I started the below clip from the right moment.

Anyway, he then gets his head cut off by some guy who is clearly a real Targaryen.

That guy then says “he can keep his tongue,” and the guards come around him and pretend like they’re going to do something before nothing ends up happening and the guy smirks away. We then get a shot of this other Targaryen guy who has a “I’m so spooky and scary,” look on his face.

It’s very Marvel Movie-esque, and if this is what these shitty people consider quality, I don’t know what to say.

I bring this up because a very common refrain from people dunking on Kangz of the Rangz is “no, no, I love the non-White cast. House of the Dragon has random Black People everywhere and it’s really good.” This annoyed me the first time I saw it, and I strongly suspect that HOTD is also quite poor based on what little I’ve seen. Apparently “professional critic,” Ryan Syrek got butthurt that people who were fans of HOTD were criticizing his preferred Globo Homo product and decided to do the opposite.

Alternately, the knock against ROP is that it is too similar to Peter Jackson’s “Lord of the Rings,” which is a hilarious complaint. Yes, the new live-action series that adapts the works of JRR Tolkien is very similar to the definitive live-action adaptation of JRR Tolkien. The other criticisms seem to arise from drooling reprobates who pause Joe Rogen just long enough to bang out a screed on why Galadriel (Morfydd Clark) shouldn’t be doing cool fight moves because she’s a lady elf or that no fairy tale creatures should be anything other than white skinned. If you’d like an Aryan character color palate, HotD stands at the ready.

Oh god, the fight scene. This is from the fifth episode I believe, and it’s just… I mean I have no words other than to watch on 2x speed to save yourself some of the secondhand embarrassment. 

ROP is set like 5,000 years before Bilbo got his “Hobbit” on and explores the resurfacing of Sauron after his initial defeat. Galadriel is the only elf who seems sus about what the pointy-headed evil doer is doing. Meanwhile, dwarves have found a new metal substance, humans are being attacked by Orcs, harfoots (hobbit ancestors) have discovered a mysterious stranger during their migration, and the birth of Mordor is shown. Without that, Sean Bean wouldn’t talk about walking into Mordor, and we’d have so many fewer memes.

I didn’t mention this in my review, since it was only the first episode, but Kangz of the Rangz gave Mount Doom an origin story. This seemed unnecessary, but when you find out that Mount Doom was created because a spooky sword was actually a key to destroying a tower which then caused a dam sluice gate to open which then caused water to flow perfectly for hundreds of miles along trenches that weren’t built when this scheme was concocted until finally it got up and over the top of Mount Doom and then caused it to explode somehow and continue exploding for thousands of years, will you ever be happy. It’s like suddenly receiving tickets to Disneyland. You didn’t know you wanted that until you got it.

The show juggles a huge cast but features episodes that feel like mini movies. They are bright and visually stunning, with the kind of flawless CGI you can only get with Bezos money. The characters pop, actually growing and changing over the course of season, with some evolving out of being calloused, narcissistic jerks and others inching closer to their full Goddess form (Cate Blanchett). Intraspecies and interspecies politics are in play, wartime demands are discussed, and yet nobody diddles a cousin.

George RR Martin, author of Game of Thrones

Again, this soyboy’s critique of Game of Thrones isn’t actually half bad. It’s a bunch of shitty nobles all scheming and plotting, and without any peasant rebellion I don’t empathize with any of these faggots. Them cousin fucking just makes me want to see that peasant rebellion even more, and I don’t care which of them kill each other.

ROP is comfort food. HotD is whiskey and milk. ROP is inspirational. HotD is exhausting. ROP is among the best shows of the year. HotD exists to fill a void everyone should leave empty.

On that one point we can agree. Game of Thrones died with the two Nose-Americans utterly destroying the story. There’s no point in doing a prequel when we all know how it’s ending.

 Also, I’ll learn to roll every “R” in a Tolkien name before I ever bother to distinguish between 12 different humans named something Egon.

Grades

ROP = A

HotD = A chilly D-

When I first read this it took me a while to see figure out his grade for HOTD. I don’t know why it’s confusingly written, but maybe he thought he was being clever. But if this review seemed dumb to you, Rotten Tomatoes will have you know that this is a respected, trusted, professional critic.

He’s currently the first critic review you’ll see on their page for Rangz of the Kangz. He’s also an anti-White fag who literally called Rangz of the Kangz “majestic,” and spent half his review trashing a totally different show. These two things are related, and it’s no surprise that his review is so over the top and terrible that I wasn’t sure whether I was reading satire until I realized, sadly, that I was not.

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I know this is beating a dead horse, but the reason it feels like professional critics are a bunch of childish bug creatures is because they are. The reason it feels like Rotten Tomatoes and other sites have totally biased and clownish approved reviewers is because they do.