I’m done with the show. I’m not watching any more of this garbage, and while I’ve had fun reviewing it, that kind of screenshot heavy content takes a very long time to produce and I can’t justify spending that kind of time.
All the way back in the second piece the show had turned so bad that I started trying my best to fix it. In part it was for my own entertainment, but mostly I did that to show how truly awful the writing was. I only did that the one time, and the entire first episode is one giant, mangled mess. Some parts, like most of what we see with the Hobbits harfoots, are so inconsequential that they should just be excised entirely, like some dialogue that we all know and love.
But I still have a bunch of pretty solid memes I need an excuse to go through, so let’s find out if we can fix this mess, or if it’s so terrible and worthless that we would truly need to start over right from the very beginning.
Right from this very beginning I find myself stumped when looking for reasons to keep any of this. Why do we need to see Galadriel getting bullied as a child? Why do we need to see a bunch of douchebag elven children throwing stones at her magic boat? The answer is we don’t, just like we don’t need the horrible conversation between her and her brother about how buoyancy isn’t a thing and stones choose to sink.
But I guess if they have to have a conversation that she recalls before making a huge decision at some point in the show, and she needs to “learn,” from this conversation that sometimes there’s no way of knowing for sure what the right decision is before we make it, then here’s some dialogue that I wrote off the top of my head that does exactly that without casually shattering the known laws of physics.
Elf With Fade: Do you know why a stone sinks, and a ship floats?
Galadriel: Is it because a stone looks downwards into the darkness, while a ship looks upwards towards the light?
Elf With Fade: No, it’s because of buoyancy.
Galadriel: … *visibly confused*
EWF: The ship displaces its mass in the water due to its shape.
Galadriel: How do you know?
*Messenger comes over the top of the hill, and is noticed by them both. Galadriel’s brother goes to leave, when Galadriel’s tiny hand grabs him.*
EWF: The sooner I leave, the sooner I come back. I promise you Galadriel, I’ll be fine.
Galadriel: How do you know?
EWF: You can see for yourself with any kind of –
Galadriel: That you’ll be fine I mean.
EWF: *Considers lying* Sometimes we can never truly know, and we have to do what we must.
After writing this little exchange I realize that the opening scene should have been entirely about her elf bro, who I’m going to name Chris, going off to war. This would have been far more dramatically relevant than “Galadriel had to deal with elf bullies as a child.”
And please, can we not have Chris die in the most absolute bitchmade way possible? Let him look down overwhelming odds in a charge, or be killed by a warg or something. People who know about the lore say that he dies in hand to hand combat versus a werewolf. That would have been a whole lot better than him frowning a lot and then crying.
But what we most definitely do not under any circumstances need is Guy-Ladriel, the sword toting “take me to the manager,” fully grown child who no one wants or likes. Having the catalyst for her centuries long crusade against Sauron be her brother Chris dying works just fine, but we can do that while also doing this amazing thing called “keeping her as a sorceress.” We can then have her do all the things that she does to start the show, minus the mountain climbing parkour and without being a huge biatch to her underlings. This might seem like a real stretch, but it’s actually Galadriel the way Tolkien wrote her, because he wasn’t a homosexual retard.
That also gives you another excuse for why her hunch that Sauron is still out there should be believed, as well as making her militarily useful to bring on a journey, explaining her rank, and not giving us cringeworthy scenes of “badass Guyladriel,” twirling her sword and slaughtering cave trolls.
Why was it so dark again?
We then incorporate all the changes I already wrote for this part, such as her she apologizing to her men that she can’t prove why she thinks Sauron is still out there, and them quitting after the cave troll attack. It also makes it even easier to explain why the soldiers aren’t as convinced even after finding the secret lair, since any magical auras or residuals would only be detectable by her.
Moving on to the melanin, there’s no actual reason for the hunters scene to be in here. The Hobbits Harfoots don’t leave because they show up, and it serves no real purpose, so cut it. Secondly, do what Hobbit Hitler did centuries later and axe the Mystery Meat Hobbits.
Yeah, we don’t need ’em. We’re trying to make a compelling Lord of the Rings story, not win some basketball games.
Our story will instead begin with Norry and her friends going into the forbidden area and getting some berries. Only instead of them encountering a wolf before running away and then lecturing everyone else on how they should let them adventure more, they still encounter a wolf and in the process of getting away they stumble upon the site of the guy who fell from the sky.
This might seem like we’re skipping a huge section of the story, and we are. But you’ll notice that the parts we skipped had nothing happen. So we’re not really skipping story because there was no story. What we’re skipping is the nonversations between hobbits where they bloviate about their characters motivations.
Hopefully we could skip some of the extremely moist berry eating as well.
It really is amazing when you rewrite the show how little is of any value at all, but this next sequence with Elrond and Galadriel is actually dramatically necessary. It establishes that internal Elf Politics is pushing Galadriel out to the Undying Lands, setting up her choice to stay or go. It’s actually a big missed opportunity that we don’t get to see more Game Of Thrones-lite content here, with Galadriel fighting with her grace and wits to convince everyone that the threat posed by Sauron is real and imminent.
This would obviously require a bunch of new scenes at the Elf City, and I’m not about to write that right now. It would also require Galadriel to be like Tolkien’s Galadriel, and not this immature brat, although I think that was a given.
And no, at no point during this will she ever say “but why is the evil not gone from here,” while covering her heart.
With that it’s on to Fetish Watch. This might sound obvious, but don’t do this. Don’t have a Black Elf, and don’t have any elf trying to get busy with a human female. Frankly, don’t have either of these two characters, although if it is deemed dramatically necessary to have someone discover the razed town, you can have that be done by literally any character for any reason. Go wild.
With that we’re finally onto the most hilarious bit of TV I have ever seen, and in a turn that will surprise none of you, it’s not happening.
I don’t just mean the narrating knives bit, I mean the whole thing. Galadriel never gets on a ship, sails for dozens if not hundreds of miles, only to jump out because a knife talked to her and she’d rather drown. This doesn’t happen, and instead she gets outplayed at court back in Elf City, and her refusal of the gift leads to her getting kicked out of Elfville. We can then give her a small retinue of loyal followers, maybe her husband, or if she doesn’t have one, a love interest, and with that we can have her continue to play whatever part in this story that we want.
Which will probably be a very small part. Elves are great in small doses, but they are supposed to be somewhat ethereal and mysterious. Nothing kills that like showing them on screen for too long. At this point the story will focus mostly on the hobbits, as well as the mysterious guy they found. We could potentially have a third storyline, with a human character doing what FetishCouple did, and finding the razed village.
All of this took me less than an hour to write down, and it’s immeasurably better than the garbage that Bezos shoved upon us. Okay I cheated and didn’t actually write the scenes at the Elf Court, but comparing synopsis to synopsis this isn’t even close.
From the third episode, but still funny even if you don’t get it.
My version cuts about half the running time, if not more, from the original. It also yeets the entire characters of JeQueerus Elf and Single White Mother, as well as most of the hobbits screwing about back in town. That just goes to show how tedious this show was. Entire characters and scenes can be cut with little to no impact on the plot. Really, there’s the Galadriel plot and Norry and her hobbit friend find the wizard guy. That’s all that happens, and that’s all that needs to happen.
In the real Rangz of the Kangz Y’All we get Galadriel asking to speak to the manager, Norry putting hobbit children in mauling distance of wargs before lecturing people on how adventures are great, Elrond being a passive aggressive fag who’s getting homosexually groomed by some elf lesbian guy, FetishWatch teaming up to investigate a village, Chastitylynn’s son finding a dagger with Sauron’s mark on it, and probably a few other things I completely forgot about. And yet despite it seeming like lots of things are happening, nothing happens. There are lots of plotlines that don’t go anywhere.
$60 million and this is what they come up with?
The show really starts getting Globo Homo in the third episode, according to everyone who’s watched it. But like I’ve said elsewhere, I’m not subjecting myself to that.
A fake screenshot, but pretty correct in terms of spirit.
I’m tapping out here. I’m out of funny memes, and I’ve gotten this out of my system. Fuck Bezos.
