Movie Review Nationalism: Dr. Shekelstein is Thoroughly Unimpressed with New Mission Impossible

For my review of Kangz of the Rangz, go here. I may make Movie Review Nationalism a once a month type of thing, depending on the reception.

During my recent week vacation I was dragged out to the theaters by my extended family. The options were Oppenheimer, Barbie, or Mission Impossible: Can Tom Cruise’s Ego Be Contained on One Screen? Barbie got vetoed fairly quickly, and I refused to watch the zionist mass murder apologia known as Oppenheimer. 

I had the deciding vote, and it was a fairly easy decision for me. I had seen The Critical Drinker – basically a normie tier alogger of (((Hollywood))) – heartily endorse MI:7. To paraphrase him, he called it a fun action movie that is a touch silly. The type of movie that you have to turn your brain off for, accept a few leaps of logic, that kind of thing. 

Before we get to our main feature film, here’s the trailer for Martin Scorcese’s new vaguely anti-White shitfest starring Leonardo Di Caprio, screenplay by (((Eric Roth))), that I had to sit through in that theater. I’m not even going to comment on this garbage, in part because there’s little tangible aside from overall vibe with a trailer.

We’re not done. Preceding the Roth/Scorcese garbage was “The Creator.” In the future, mystery meats save humanity, or maybe doom it because the evil AI is a child or some dumb shit like that.

I considered throwing my shirt over my head to drown out the secondhand embarrassment for the filmmakers at the unadultered melodramatic stupidity. In the end I reminded myself that I hate these people, so watching them fail like this is enjoyable to me. 

With that painful pre-movie experience out of the way we get to Mission Impossible: Dead Reckoning Part One. It pains me to announce that there is nothing even approaching the anti-White pervert fest commonly referred to as “wokeness,” in this film. There are no mulatto trannies of colour, the cast is almost all White, the leading protagonist is played by a White man, and the evil Asian sidekick physically beating up men much larger than her is the closest thing to a whiff of Globo Homo that I experienced at any point during this film. 

The reason this pains me, instead of delights me, is that you don’t need to accept a few plot points being a bit silly, but be functionally retarded to enjoy this movie. The tedious melodrama sucks the life out of the film and forces you to start thinking about what’s going on. That’s a problem, because this might be the dumbest movie that I have ever seen.

Conveying all this without clips is difficult, but here’s a trailer that introduces you to the big bad, an AI that can apparently control everything… somehow. 

That setup is, in and of itself, fine, and I could be perfectly happy to accept that. The problem is everything else. I could walk you through one of the many illogical things that happen, but this Looper video does a subpar, but acceptable job covering some of the many gaps in logic present throughout this movie, even if they give the movie way too much credit.

Looper only just barely scratches the surface. There are so many inexplicable things that happen in this film that it becomes difficult to follow. This is made worse because they play up this aspect of “The Entity,” the name for the AI, that can trick people. Naturally, the audience feels inclined to pay even more attention to what’s going on, only for almost nothing logical to happen for the entire duration of the movie.

Case in point, right at the start some other spy and vague love interest of Ethan Hunt, Tom Cruise’s character, gets a hold of one half of the key that unlocks… something that is used to get access to The Entity’s source code and it’s on a sunk Russian submarine. You need two halves of this key to open something, which might maybe get you access to the computer which is somehow undamaged from salt water. I’m not being uncharitable here, the characters even discuss how they don’t know what the key opens, but they need it real bad.

This already makes no sense, but somehow the spy girl, Elsa, has one half of the key. 

The key is at the bottom of the ocean, which begs the question of how exactly she got a hold of it. The movie explains this by pointing out that she stole this from someone else.

Uh, okay. How did they get the key then? Someone had to do an underwater operation to find the key halves, then split them up for no reason, then get pickpocketed by – I’m going to stop here. This makes no sense, and the movie doesn’t even try explaining this. 

Immediately following this they make a big deal out of not knowing where Elsa is, repeating this a few times just so you really know that finding her is going to be difficult. All they know is that she’s in the Middle East. The very next shot is Tom Cruise ambushing some guys who were on their way to her hideout. 

The movie just finished telling us that we don’t know where she is, yet somehow Cruise doesn’t just find her, but knows exactly where to wait to ambush the mercenaries that some unnamed party sent to kill her, even though they could be coming from any random direction. However, he needed to do that, because he then follows the rest of these mercenaries to find Elsa, whose location was unknown to him.

The entire movie is like this. This isn’t just dumb, this is so illogical and self-contradictory that it ruins any sense of buildup because you can’t predict what’s going to happen next. Actually, scratch that. You can perfectly predict what’s going to happen next, it just won’t make any sense or follow the established rules. The movie is simultaneously head scratching and entirely predictable.

Anyway, the opening shot of Tom Cruise has him weeping for no reason. Then they gave Tom Cruise a new backstory, seven movies in, where he had some ditz named Maria who got murdered by, you guessed it, Gabriel. This guy has never shown up before, but now he’s central to Tom Cruise’s character. 

Also, Cruise is getting too old for the role.

Gabriel, tries so hard to be creepy and is instead just a clown. He taunts Ethan constantly and it feels like middle school bullying. Also, his motivations are both unexplained and yet make no sense. For example, he works for The Entity, which wants the key destroyed, yet he doesn’t destroy it, purely so that he can get pickpocketed by the girl and the movie can go on.

Somehow Gabriel framed Hunt for the murder of Maria, and then Hunt was forced to join the Impossible Mission Force to get out of jail. Yes, it is really called that. 

This is just coming out now, seven movies in. Cruise remembers this, cries, remembers this later on at a different point in the movie, cries. At some point he is told that he’ll have to choose between Grace and Elsa, so he cries. He’s then told by his crew that The Entity will attack them to get to him. He cries when hearing this, and he cries on both occasions when he’s reminded of this later on.

Tom Cruise crying is the new Tom cruise running, although there are at least three different scenes of that happening in this film. These aren’t short either, these are uninterrupted takes that last a good ten seconds of Cruise sprinting his little legs off. They’re so long that I started being impressed with his cardio. The guy probably went on EPO or other PEDs just so he could sprint the length of a football field to really establish the stakes.

“And that’s when I said, why not three running scenes and ten crying scenes.”

The melodrama is embarrassing, and even the wahmens in our group came to the same conclusion. In fairness, the action scenes are kind of cool, but they can’t save this terrible movie. Also, they’re not that cool. They’re pretty mid tier.

Mission Improbable: Random Shit Happens is a throwback to a bygone era when Hollywood was totally mediocre, yet not blatantly anti-White or full of AIDS. That the Hollywood/Disney Alogs are slobbering over this tripe shows how pathetic they are. When your identity is entirely about hating on Hollywood for “da wokesters,” there is an obligation to praise poorly written garbage that isn’t politically offensive. For myself, I would like to watch actually good movies.