NOTE: I will be away from home without my computer over this upcoming weekend, so be prepared for drastically less content. I have scheduled a piece for each day, with the help of guest writers. The following piece was written by Thomas Manwise.

Before I begin this story, we thought now was a good time to put something like this out in light of the recent complete and total ban of both of the Tate brothers from social media outlets. A few months ago I ran into a video clip of Andrew Tate, probably one that you yourself have seen, full of braggadocios, douche-baggy rhetoric about his 3 Bugattis or some shit. Anyway, I didn’t agree with him at first, until I saw one of the clips where he talked about how men are marginalized in society and treated as nothing more than paychecks, etc. After I saw this, I dived into his content, watching almost every stream, clip or edit of him that I could find.

Recently, I found out how he made his first million. For those of you unaware, Andrew Tate’s first million was made off of a camgirl website, where he himself would scam desperate men into giving his models thousands of dollars for something which we all know made them worse off in life. Now he preaches a male positive message to the same desperate men. This is just one of many completely niggerlike behaviors exhibited by him.

I know his message is attractive to young men, but remember that propaganda can come from anywhere and to always check the backgrounds of the people you are listening to.

On top of that, remember first that pride is a sin. If you aren’t religious, remember the flight of Icarus and remember not to be a dick. It doesn’t matter what Andrew Tate is really like in person, its about what you are being shown in public, which is the asshole who screams at you about breathing air every time you open social media. And it’s about what you are learning from aforementioned asshole about how to carry yourself. Disrespect for the people around you is just simply acting like a Customer-American.

EDITORS NOTE: Above was the introduction by Thomas Manwise. Below is the actual story. I’m sorry if the double introduction was confusing.

By now most of you know the name Andrew Tate.

He and his brother Tristan have experienced a boom in popularity this year, due to the pyramid scheme they run known as Hustlers University. They pay people on tiktok and instagram to spam their content and recruit new members to the university, among other “programs” that Hustlers University has to offer.

I first saw one of Andrew Tate’s videos in July of 2022. It had been posted by one of the thousands of tiktok accounts that were being paid to spam Tate livestream clips.

I watched him obsessively for months, even going so far as to join hustlers university and even moving to Romania, until one day, when I saw a clip where he talked about being half black, along with another clip where he talked about making his first million from a camgirl website. Just then I received a message from the Hustlers University discord server that read, “I have an announcement. There will be a meeting for Top Gs only this weekend. Andrew Tate himself will be present. Attendance is mandatory. See you there.”

Hearing that I was going to see Andrew Tate himself made me forget about the video clips I had just seen. I immediately jumped up and started packing my bag, grabbing my laptop and clothes for a few days, and getting into my old toyota camry, I pulled out of my driveway and onto the main road.

I received another notification right as I was driving onto the highway. The notification contained a location where the meeting was being held. Somehow, the notification automatically programmed my phone’s GPS system, which I assumed to be a hiccup from my phone, which was getting old and had started doing things like that anyway.

I followed the GPS instructions until I reached a place I recognized from some of the tiktok clips I had watched. It was the Tate Mansion. In person, it was smaller and the lawn was severely overgrown with broken front gates and trash everywhere. I pulled my car in beside the other old, beat up cars parked on the driveway, which was cracked and broken, and I could see what looked like a Bugatti Chiron parked by the front door of the mansion.

As I got out of my car, I saw other members of Hustlers University lining up outside the door to the mansion, waiting for the top g himself to answer and let them in. However, the man that answered the door did not look like andrew tate. He was black as night and was wearing a blue dew rag that said “Top G” in cracked, fading white lettering and he was smoking a gas station cigarillo that smelled like a urinal cake. I recognized his facial features immediately, having been a racist for a long time, as resembling the features of the criminal nigger George Floyd, who was supposedly dead of a fentanyl overdose, although there are hundreds of accounts that seem to prove that he is in fact still alive.

Even though it was clear to me that this was not Andrew Tate, all it took to convince the rest of the Hustlers University members that it was was him saying “Ayo maynes it be da top G heah an shit”. They all filed into the house, almost in a trance. I followed them in purely out of morbid curiosity and saw that the living room was trashed, filled almost completely with burrito wrappers from taco bell, cognac bottles and cigarillo butts.

In the light of the living room I was able to somewhat confirm that the man claiming to be Andrew Tate had his tattoos in all the right places. It seemed almost as if the clips I had seen were this man in front of me with a skin tone filter on.

There, in the Tate Brother’s trashed out living room, I considered the last two months of tiktok clips I had consumed. It all fit. He was a massive prick, he hit women, he thought way too much of himself and he thought cheating on women was a good thing to do.

Just then, I heard the nigger that was supposed to be Tristan yell “ayo cracka mayne I bes talkin tah you an shit. You aint boutta be ignorin me wit yo raysits ass.”

I looked up and recognized the face of rayshard brooks, a Crowd-American who had been shot by the police after getting drunk and falling asleep in his car in a Wendy’s drivethru. Police officer Devin Brosnan had shot Brooks when the nigger had reached for his tazer, resulting in the dumb nigger dying.

“Wait,” I said, “aren’t you rayshard brooks? That dumb nigger who got himself shot by taking a police officer’s tazer?”

“Ooga booga mayne this nigga done found us out an shit.” the man claiming to be andrew tate said to his brother.

“Yeeuh mayne we bes joge flawd and rayshawd brook” the nigger said, “whaboutit?”

“Ray, you dumb nigga, we wuz sposed to fool these niggas, now i gots ta bend space time again because you gots a big mouth an shit.” Floyd said.

I laughed in my head because the dumb nigger had blown his cover without being tricked and he didn’t even realize it, and then I sprang into action. I turned around to face a blank wall where the door used to be. All of a sudden, all of the Hustlers University members were gone and when I looked out the window to see if all of their cars were outside, it was completely pitch black.

But as I turned back I found it was pitch black inside aw well. I could no longer see George Floyd or Rayshard Brooks.

I started to panic because the floor was covered in trash and I kept almost falling over, and I could hear Floyd and Brooks laughing and speaking in ebonics even the most experienced KKK Appreciator could never hope to decode. Every few seconds I could see a lighter start burning something and the smell of burning tires would fill the room, making me nauseous and filling my head with a cloudy haze where I couldn’t focus on anything. I could tell the two Perm-Americans were smoking fentanyl. After 5 minutes of silently shimmying along the walls to try and find a door, I eventually passed out from the fentanyl smoke that had all but filled the room completely.

As I felt myself fainting, I saw the lights come on in the house and the real Tate brothers walk out from a back hallway, handing the two seemingly dead negroes a suitcase full of money and shaking their hands before starting to clean up their house.

I came to tied in a chair in a dark basement, but as my eyes adjusted to the darkness I could see the same two niggers sitting on a couch in front of a TV watching ghetto gaggers. I almost threw up, as the chair was pointed directly at the TV. I tried to get out of my restraints, but they heard me, even over the sound of the disgusting show they were watching, and stood up, walking around the couch to stand in front of me.

George Floyd crouched in front of me until we were at eye level with each other.

Then he said something I couldn’t even begin to understand.

“Speak english, nigger.” I said when he was done.

“Ah sheeit mayne.” floyd said, shaking his head, “Imma go get misser Tate.”

A few minutes later, Andrew Tate himself walked in. He looked at me and said “You are my slave now. You are not a top G. You allowed yourself to be enslaved, you failed the test.”

Just then, floyd walked in with a vape sticking out of his mouth. I knew what was about to happen and my belief was confirmed when Andrew Tate turned around and made eye contact with George Gloyd.

He stood up to full height and said “BREATHE AIR, YOU DONT NEED A VAPE.”

Floyd walked over, putting his hands close together by his waist and getting into a fight stance.

I took my chance while I had it and popped the ropes holding me down, due to having gone to the gym every day since my teen years. I could see that Rayshard was smoking a joint and watching Andrew Tate and George Floyd square up to each other.

He spotted me as I ran out the door and yelled to the other two about me.

“Go get him then.” Andrew Tate yelled at Floyd and Brooks.

I heard running footsteps behind me as I ran up a staircase into a very expensive looking mansion. I ran into a dining room to see Tristan Tate sitting at a computer at one end. He looked up with a confused expression on his face and stood up, his computer keyboard falling to the floor.

As I ran past him, he reached over to try and trip me, but I dodged him and kept running.

It seemed as if I had been running forever when I finally reached the front door. I turned back around to see George Floyd coming right at me at lightning speed. I tried to turn the door handle, but it was locked. I felt George Floyd’s greasy hands grab my throat and I could smell the full can of axe body spray attempting in vain to overpower his body odor as he picked me up by me neck.

I started to panic as Rayshard Brooks came into the room screaming “yeeuh cracka you gon feel what us niggas done felt an shit”.

“Ah sheeit momma I cant breathe.” I said as I felt my airway close.

Just then, the door behind me was kicked open and two police officers, one in a dark blue uniform and one in a very light blue uniform, who I recognized to be Devin Brosnan and Derek Chauvin. Devin Brosnan shot Rayshard Brooks in the forehead, killing him, and Derek Chauvin tackled George Floyd, kneeling on his neck until he was dead.

I am writing this right now from my phone in the back of an ambulance.

You have probably seen the pictures of the Tate brothers being arrested by now, and you may have also heard the video claiming that the human trafficking case was a fraud where a woman had a fight with her boyfriend and reported the Tate brothers saying that they kept her there against her will. Don’t believe any of it. This story is the real, honest truth.

Not my reaction, an actual picture of me reading this. I recently got a sex change, and turned into Amanda Seyfried.

Truly, a shocking tale. We knew the Tate’s were bad, but this bad? It shocks even me. 

All credit to Thomas Manwise for this great journalistic find.

You may also like


  1. All I can say is, scamming the new faggoty generations of pastey white cave-dwelling anti-social media twits must be easier than peeling a banana. Monkey stuff.

    But man needs a challenge or a man couldn’t be (dave mason).

Leave a reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

More in Satire